How can London top China's opening ceremony in 2012? Your suggestions please...

After the spending of $300 million for a couple of hours opening ceremony in China, what can London do in 2012 to follow that?

Even now, events agencies and media specialists are sratching their heads trying to come up with something that will top the Beijing extravaganza.

We Can Do It! Make Do And Mend. Keep Calm and Carry On. Dig For Victory.

Here are some early suggestions:

1. The Peckham formation knife throwers.
2. The Ghanian traffic wardens massed teams carrying the electronic tagger.
3.  Leapfrogging government ministers.
4.  A 40 ft container is lowered from wires, as it descends, dozens of illegal Kurds, Afghans, all nationalities, leap out to proclaim the vast opportunities and benefits provided by this host nation.
5. Relay teams of policemen chasing Burberry hat wearing chavs.
6. A massive white wall appears- it is sprayed by graffiti youths with aerosol cans at various times throughout the event- at the end of the games it will be purchased by Saatchi and exhibited in a shed in North London.
7. Dozens of hot dog sellers with carts pursued by food inspectors.
8. Hundreds of rough sleepers under cardboard awake and dance a routine.
9. Colourful Indian pizza leaflet distributors run across the stadium pursued by German Shepherds.
10.  Formation teams of drunken laddettes bottle throwing.
11.  Colourful skunk sellers juggling little bags.
12.  A mountain of luggage is thrown from a great height, courtesy of British Airways and all our friends at Heathrow. This to show what a huge contribution tourism plays in the nation's capital. 
13.  A collection is taken up during the ceremony to help feed the meter for the gas flame.
14. A vast number of people emerge from a train carriage- a world record- and stagger around the stadium dazed by the heat and the smell of sweat. (Just the usual local train, then.) 
15. There are more.....please make your contribution...

First, the public execution of all those involved in the atrocious logo.

Then the ceremonial throwing of all the current Labour cabinet from the highest rafter, one by one; then the entire team involved in the London pitch that told us it would only cost two and eleven pence; whether they are in office or not by that time; because it will give great joy to me and all other normal rational people.

The dismal fact remains that Britain cannot top the Beijing opening ceremony without the use of theatrical understatement and personality. Think along the lines of Shakespeare Henry V for the stage, with a lot of shadow, smoke and costume. The only way to get value for money/wow is to have personality name rock bands, and Brit film stars to do little set pieces. What else have the Brits got? The Spitfire, The Hurricane, The Lancaster Bomber, Radar, The Jet Engine, Barnes Wallis.Sorry can't mention those- all to do with the war. The Steam Engine. Cricket. Rugby. Soccer. Sorry all those are in a parlous state. No British team even qualified to play. Then let's make a list of all the great British achievements over the past 11 years:

Education:buggered

Transport: buggered

Health & Medicine/Hospitals/Dentists:F***** and buggered. If you're still alive, MRSA and C.Dif will get you.

Immigration: F****** and buggered

Policing: buggered: Do you feel safer today, or 15 years ago?

Prisons: F****** and buggered

Foreign Policy: buggered

Defence (or Attack): Dreadful: life threatening to all: no helicopters, no armoured vehicles, no proper boots etc etc By the way, what ever made these cretins go into Iraq?

Employment: F******

Taxation of every sort: Among the highest, if not the highest in Europe.

Agriculture,Fisheries: F****** 

A sense of fairplay: F*******

Apart from that we've got a lot to be proud of like.......or there's ..... and of course not forgetting......

Brits don't have the numbers of people to choose from; they can't afford them and even if they could, there will be a health and safety issue or a European time/work directive that will curtail it.

Pull out now while there's still time!

EXCELLENT !

There will only be about 600 TV Cameras at the 2012's....SO

We need more surveillance at the ceremony too,to reflect the fact that every inch of this great nation is linked to a £100 fine issuing CCTV camera of some description, spectators must all be "Tagged" or better still "chipped" so that we know who's sitting where, we can justify this because they're shitting their Reg Grundy's about "TERRORISM" so they wont flinch when we implant a microchip under their eyelids....... if the spectators stand when the *SIT DOWN* light is clearly illuminated they should be fined £100 for each OFFENCE, it's only fair isn't it ? if you break the rules you must pay the fine right?

Various East London Councils will get "the revenues" KERCHING ! from this, which will all help towards paying for the cost of installing the system in the first place and outsourcing its operation, maintanance & administration to SERCO, yes payback is the new byword

We should also get more clampers in as loads of people who never usually park in East London will nick all the spaces, clamping revenues are the mainstay of the local economy and should be MAXIMISED for this event

Of course there should be more and ever more cameras- the only thing this cretin of a government seems to spend money on. Lots of income. And like Gatsos the money generated doesn't go to the local authority, but straight to government coffers.

I also notice that Coe (the 2 and half billion pound man) (that's what he said in Singapore the games would cost) who then changed his story to £9.5 BILLION man said yesterday in Beijing that London will not have such wow as Beijing, but will still "deliver".

Well that's already admitting a damper on the whole box of dice isn't it? 

Just imagine in Hollywood: ...." well Jim your script for the follow up Batman... you say it's going to be nowhere near as good.....let's defnitely green light it then.....".

Or at Ford: ....." well the follow up to the Mondeo is going to be more like a Marina of 1974... let's go with it then..."

Or any ad agency..."to follow the Cannes winner we had last year... this next commercial will be seen as being really naff- let's make it then ...with the cheapest video company we can find......"

I watched the closing ceremony in Bejing. Another couple of hundred million's worth. Then came the London entry. It reminded me of a church group from a Giles cartoon from the 50's with the vicar's wife saying "Now give these gals a big hand, they've put on a really lovely effort with Miss Henderson.." and on came about a dozen sterotypes of the UK. the obligatory hi-viz jacket brown/mix Brixton man. Many with umbrellas. Then Beckham was on the top of the bus and kicked a ball and it went wide (what's new?). Leona Lewis has thick legs, and that dress didn't do much for them. And Jimmy Page was quite good, but where was the rest of the band?- unless they were hidden by a curtain like the Chinese soloist girl from the opening ceremony. It was a naff attempt at something that was naff to begin with. Like the logo. It's still naff.

It doesn't bode well. Even Boris, when he took the shiny Olympic flag from an immaculate major of Beijing managed to get it tangled up.

Fade to black please... three asterisks.....anything....