I was fascinated by the story of Tom Williams, the Harlequins winger who went off with a fake injury, to allow another player on.
We once pulled the planner Dave O'Hanlon out of a pitch with a fake ruptured colon. Because there was a fear that his statistical analysis of the market would be too provocative. We didn't have any blood capsules, so we improvised with a bar of chocolate. But you don't want to know the full details.
And actually pitching in general is a very demoralizing and stupid process.
How much of the truly great work that's run has come directly out of a pitch process ?
Actually that's a pretty difficult question to answer. I'd be seriously surprised if anyone could answer that question.
You'd have to be a nut-case to even attempt it.
Anyway.
I've got a new idea for pitching.
Just ideas.
No chemistry, no sexual chemistry - honestly, if clients want that, there are any number of speed-dating events they can go to.
So, on that note, I went off last week to brief the students at Bucks College in High Wycombe on two brands that have been going through the pitch process recently.
Young’s and Dulux.
I had a great couple of hours down there, and I'll give you a taster of 10 ideas for each client.
Young’s Seafood.
1.
In cities, construction sites with tower cranes are used as oversized fishing rods. Huge installed fishes hang on the hooks of the cranes. When you send an sms to one of the fishes, it starts to make big soap bubbles.
2.
We send out a team of deep sea divers, who take packs of Young’s Seafood and plant them in fishermen's nets, so when they pulled them in, they would be like 'What the f*ck? How did they get there?' We could even target the fishermen that work for Birdseye. We would also like to get a 'mole' onto the boats to film the reactions - the footage could then be released as a viral.
3.
We associate Young’s seafood with brain training, because fish is good for the brain. This influences packaging and all marketing. Every pack has a brain training puzzle.
4.
We show short films showing how meat-producing animals are killed. The message is - "Take responsibility for what you eat."
5.
Traditional fishmongers used to wrap fresh fish in newspaper to keep it cool once the customer had bought it. That, and traditional fish and chips being wrapped in newspaper, serves as an iconic idea for a new line of packaging with a twist - ie it looks like a bunch of different newspapers.
Threadfin Bream, for example, comes from the Indian Ocean and therefore we would have an Indian style newspaper wraparound.
The newspaper date could correlate to the day the fish had been caught, and there could be a photograph of that specific fishing boat or its captain.
6.
Eating too much meat is directly linked to a number of types of cancer. Suggestion: Place empty fridge cabinets in supermarkets with signs warning that the supermarket is selling less meat due to the link between cancer and meat - with a suggestion to eat fish as a healthier alternative
7.
We haven't had fish flu yet. Or mad fish disease. We could make spoof videos with men in white coats (who turn out to be doctors, not actors) telling us this.
8. A fleet of fish tank lorries tour around the streets of London. These lorries contain live fish. Rods are passed to people looking out of their office windows, and they are encouraged to 'go fishing'.
9
This idea came from looking at the way fish spasm around when they have just been caught; it could go beautifully to music. Line -"It's flip flopping great".
The students sent me a link which frankly is about the most unappetizing bit of footage I’ve ever seen, and the music track which would supposedly made it funny has been disabled for copyright reasons – but here it is, anyway. There’s a really good idea in here somewhere …
. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uMLCWhj0Js
10.
Invent a game in which people “fish” on the internet.
You cast your virtual rod and who knows what “tidbit” you’ll find.
Bring Britain’s favourite hobby to the online world.
DULUX
1. A competition to find Britain's Skankiest Rooms. You nominate people you know. We film them and shame them, then re-decorate the rooms.
Or we paint over road markings in Dulux colours. We could paint over zebra crossings with different, fresh colours, double yellow lines, keep clear boxes, cycle lanes, speed bumps etc. Dulux would then reveal via a website where users can vote for their town as 'The most depressing town in England', for the chance to have the same Dulux colour splash treatment. The colours used could be specifically chosen as mood enhancing, for example yellows and oranges to enliven or soft pinks and lilacs to create calm.
2. We sneak into Buckingham Palace and repaint the Queen's living room. Because her taste is, frankly, dreadful.
3. You could use augmented reality to let people see how their rooms might look with new colours.
The problem is, there is already an interesting iPhone application, which does something similar. You take a photo of your room and the application allows you to change the colour of the walls. This a rather dull demo on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiTdKrQ0MU8.
Or - more low-fi - give people torches that project new colours via filters onto primed walls.
4. We create a campaign of "weeping walls ", showing how houses have feelings. Is your living room feeling ignored ? When was the last time you did something nice for your pantry ? Maybe your house wants to divorce you.
5. We put up posters for the "lost" Dulux dog on lamp-posts all over Britain. Then audition for a new one. Or better still, a new mascot - it could be the Dulux badger. Whoever wins goes into a face-off against the original iconic shaggy dog.
6. Dulux could create an eye-dropper function on their website, that the user could then use on any webpage to select a colour that they want. Maybe you can also repaint boring websites this way.
7. Set up a campaign in which we claim that Dulux have stolen colours from famous paintings (and possibly other famous things) for their new range. Set up a stunt in which some public art pieces are made to look like their colours have been nicked.
8. On a massive scale wall in the city centre a message invites the viewer to test the newest colour trends from Dulux - directly onto the scene. The viewer gets a mobile application on his iPhone (mobile with motion control).
With the application he can now choose his favourite colours and paint something (in the air). A beamer transfers the paintings onto the wall. Afterwards the viewer can send a link with his painting to friends.
9.
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHcvbcmnNu4&feature=PlayList&p=B62D4F665A818F99&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37>
Commission Giuliano del Sorbo to create an ambient piece for Dulux using their vibrant range of colours on a large branded canvas. White strips of card embossed with the Dulux logo would be scattered at the base of the canvas catching splatters of paint. These could then be collected as souvenirs or taken to a Dulux colour matching counter.
10. Own the mood-changing properties of colours.
Paint prisons or drug rehab places.
Every week Dulux takes on a new challenge in the real world.
Change the world with colour.
There you go.
I think they did really well.
