Campaign

How to win agency of the decade

Can I first of all congratulate Campaign’s picture editor for their work in last week’s issue ?


The front page showed two images of Peter Mandelson - holding a bunch of bananas in one, and minus the bananas in the other.


Where did Mandelson’s bananas go ?


That’s got to be worth a Question Time in itself.


Secondly, in the piece on awards on page 13, it showed great dedication to pick 4 creatives who were all too tall for their hair.


As a result of judicious cropping, 4 world-famous creative gurus looked like a row of hard-boiled eggs.


It was worth the £3.70 for that alone.


Anyway. To business.




I can imagine that the conversation at Mother or Fallon goes a bit like this.


"We're in the running for Campaign Agency of the Decade." "Yea but look what happened to the last Agency of the Decade."


For those of you who can't remember, the last Agency of the Decade was called HHCL (and I was the 2nd "h").


And, for the benefit of any agency in the running for this most prestigious of poisoned chalices, allow me to tell you what I think did happen.


We let the original dynamic of the partners dissipate. In other words, we fought too much. This came about through politics and envy. If, in your current agency, the original partners are still working happily together, you're probably ok.


So my advice to all partners in all agencies is this – see if you can stick together.

If only for the sake of the quids.


It’s weird – there were all sorts of personality differences between us, but they got subsumed when we were young and struggling. However, as soon as success came our way, we fought like cat and dog.


One of the partners in particular was always trying to get other partners off on “sabbaticals” which effectively undermined them in the agency.


It was like Big Brother, with slightly more at stake.


In fact, it was utterly terrifying.


As a result of all these feuds, we eventually fell foul of what is known in the business as "Bogle's Dictum" - the mantra that any ad agency is only 3 telephone calls from disaster.


I.e. if your top 3 clients decide to leave at the same time, you're pretty much f*cked.


When the HHCL partnership dissipated, on a sea of squabbles, niggles and drug-fuelled Christmas parties aboard Sir Phillip Green's 60-foot yacht moored in the Shadwell Basin, (actually I retract the last item on advice from lawyers, several of whom were there at the time),   we ended up getting those 3 Bogellian calls.


In fact we got about 8 of them, pretty much all together over a shortish period of time. I got one, telling us Egg had fired us, just 5 minutes before I had to address a huge conference in Kuala Lumpur.


Anybody leading an agency in the running for Campaign Poisoned Chalice of the Decade, on receiving a string of calls from their 8 biggest clients asking to review the business, would be well advised to wander down from the 34th floor of their ivory tower and start panicking.


Of course it is absolutely a client's prerogative to call a review. But once a couple of them do it to you, the sharks start circling. Sharks with sh*t-eating grins.


I can’t complain about that. It’s just the law of the jungle.


And I apologise for mixing my metaphors there.  As the more observant of you will recognize, you don’t get sharks in a jungle.  


I should of course have referred to lemurs with sh*t-eating grins.


But maybe this is all a result of what my old English tutor would call the "hamartia", the tragic flaw in the characters of dramatic heroes which leads to their eventual downfall.


In the case of Macbeth, it was ambition. In the case of Othello, unbearable jealousy. In our case, we were all off our t*ts in the Shadwell Basin.


Anyway.


I hope that helps.

Multiple ideas

The best advice I can give you about pitching is this - brush your tongue as well as your teeth. Because 75% of the microbes which cause bad breath are on the tongue.


And 75% of pitches are about personal chemistry, not about ideas.


I remember when we used to get the intermediaries in to HHCL to talk about pitching. One of them told a very funny story about how a senior female client had said that she fancied “everyone in the room” of the agency which (surprise, surprise) went on to win the pitch.  


It was a very funny story for lots of people – but not unfortunately for us, because we’d lost that particular pitch.


Again, I wonder if I’d spent more time in Savile Row and less time in Milletts, how different history might have been.


But as I said last week, if you want sexual chemistry, why not go to a speed-dating event ?


(Although in the case of some people I know, the dating would have to take place at the speed of light for them to pick up any positive responses.)


Pitches should be about ideas.


But don’t just take my word for it. Alex Bogusky is saying the same thing when he says agencies should be factories, rather than thinking they’re in the service industry.


And then, you have to look at one very important question.


Do you present one idea in the pitch, or several ?


Years ago, I remember writing a column where I criticised Saatchis for winning the Toyota pitch by using spectacular pitch theatre.


Basically, they’d somehow managed to get a Toyota into their Reception area, (by removing the glass from their windows, as I understood it) to create an impressive first impression.


I wrote rather huffily that surely strategic thinking was more important than knowing the phone number of a good glazier.


But the fact is that Simon Dicketts had come up with one of the best lines ever created for a pitch – “The car in front is a Toyota” -  so it wasn’t empty theatre.


So, that’s one way of going about it  – find a great idea and get 100% behind it.


And, if you’re pitching for Anusol, stick a giant arsehole in Reception.


(You’ve probably got one quite near there already.)


But look at the other option.


Because you could show a whole bunch of ideas – as long as all of them are provocative.


And then you could say – let’s make a few of these, and see what happens.


This is where it gets exciting. And this is what I think agencies should be advocating now.


Because creativity has changed fundamentally.


In bad, traditional agencies, 99% of the planning happens before the work breaks.


You get one script that takes 6 months to get through research, and it’s then put out there for a year or more, gathering dust and boring the pants off people.


In good agencies, at least 50% of the planning happens after the work breaks. Because half the skill of it is in developing and evolving it.


It has to be reactive, adaptive.


And that means being less precious about it all.


A very bright planner called Jon Leach who worked at HHCL was once working on a positioning statement for the agency - and he came up with the phrase “Strong opinions, lightly held”.


At the time I thought – that’s b*llocks, we’re about strong opinions, strongly held. But a minute later I thought  - no, he’s right.


Rather proving him right, as it happened.


Because the agency loved to explore radical positions for clients, but we’d very rarely die on a sword for anything.


And I think we’d stumbled onto something very valuable about running work.


By being less precious about it, you can maybe create more value.


Present several ideas. Make several ideas. As I pointed out much later to the Whiskas client, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.


And all I care about is that the client does do something radical – rather than the invisible garbage which makes up 95% of our industry’s output.


When we first developed this multiple-idea approach all those years ago, we had to use research to help us pick the best idea out of several.


But that’s far from ideal  –  because research is tricky.


In fact, research is like sex.


Good research is very good, but bad research is the worst thing in the world.


It’s also like sex in that it involves one-way mirrors, cheap wine, M&S sausage rolls and some bored-looking women wondering if this is really the best use of their evening.


But these days you can push out several ideas and see which one gets talked about most on the internet – thus involving consumers directly and saving yourself the expense of using conventional research.


Because the one thing we know about conventional research is that it doesn’t work.


All new business launches use conventional research, but about 80% of them fail.


(That's worse odds than avoiding halitosis.)

Life's a pitch and then you die

I was fascinated by the story of Tom Williams, the Harlequins winger who went off with a fake injury, to allow another player on.


We once pulled the planner Dave O'Hanlon out of a pitch with a fake ruptured colon. Because there was a fear that his statistical analysis of the market would be too provocative. We didn't have any blood capsules, so we improvised with a bar of chocolate. But you don't want to know the full details.


And actually pitching in general is a very demoralizing and stupid process.


How much of the truly great work that's run has come directly out of a pitch process ?


Actually that's a pretty difficult question to answer. I'd be seriously surprised if anyone could answer that question.


You'd have to be a nut-case to even attempt it.


Anyway.


I've got a new idea for pitching.


Just ideas.


No chemistry, no sexual chemistry - honestly, if clients want that, there are any number of speed-dating events they can go to.


So, on that note, I went off last week to brief the students at Bucks College in High Wycombe on two brands that have been going through the pitch process recently.


Young’s and Dulux.


I had a great couple of hours down there, and I'll give you a taster of 10 ideas for each client.



Young’s Seafood.


1.
In cities, construction sites with tower cranes are used as oversized fishing rods. Huge installed fishes hang on the hooks of the cranes. When you send an sms to one of the fishes, it starts to make big soap bubbles.
 


2.
We send out a team of deep sea divers, who take packs of Young’s Seafood and plant them in fishermen's nets, so when they pulled them in, they would be like 'What the f*ck? How did they get there?' We could even target the fishermen that work for Birdseye. We would also like to get a 'mole' onto the boats to film the reactions - the footage could then be released as a viral.


3.
We associate Young’s seafood with brain training, because fish is good for the brain. This influences packaging and all marketing. Every pack has a brain training puzzle.


4.
We show short films showing how meat-producing animals are killed. The message is - "Take responsibility for what you eat."


5.
Traditional fishmongers used to wrap fresh fish in newspaper to keep it cool once the customer had bought it. That, and traditional fish and chips being wrapped in newspaper, serves as an iconic idea for a new line of packaging with a twist - ie it looks like a bunch of different newspapers.

Threadfin Bream, for example, comes from the Indian Ocean and therefore we would have an Indian style newspaper wraparound.

The newspaper date could correlate to the day the fish had been caught, and there could be a photograph of that specific fishing boat or its captain.


6.
Eating too much meat is directly linked to a number of types of cancer. Suggestion: Place empty fridge cabinets in supermarkets with signs warning that the supermarket is selling less meat due to the link between cancer and meat - with a suggestion to eat fish as a healthier alternative


7.
We haven't had fish flu yet. Or mad fish disease. We could make spoof videos with men in white coats (who turn out to be doctors, not actors) telling us this.


8. A fleet of fish tank lorries tour around the streets of London. These lorries contain live fish. Rods are passed to people looking out of their office windows, and they are encouraged to 'go fishing'.


9
This idea came from looking at the way fish spasm around when they have just been caught; it could go beautifully to music. Line  -"It's flip flopping great".

The students sent me a link which frankly is about the most unappetizing bit of footage I’ve ever seen, and the music track which would supposedly made it funny has been disabled for copyright reasons – but here it is, anyway. There’s a really good idea in here somewhere …

.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uMLCWhj0Js



10.
Invent a game in which people “fish” on the internet.

You cast your virtual rod and who knows what “tidbit” you’ll find.

Bring Britain’s favourite hobby to the online world.




DULUX


 
1. A competition to find Britain's Skankiest Rooms. You nominate people you know. We film them and shame them, then re-decorate the rooms.


Or we paint over road markings in Dulux colours. We could paint over zebra crossings with different, fresh colours, double yellow lines, keep clear boxes, cycle lanes, speed bumps etc. Dulux would then reveal via a website where users can vote for their town as 'The most depressing town in England', for the chance to have the same Dulux colour splash treatment. The colours used could be specifically chosen as mood enhancing, for example yellows and oranges to enliven or soft pinks and lilacs to create calm.


2. We sneak into Buckingham Palace and repaint the Queen's living room. Because her taste is, frankly, dreadful.


3. You could use augmented reality to let people see how their rooms might look with new colours.


The problem is, there is already an interesting iPhone application, which does something similar. You take a photo of your room and the application allows you to change the colour of the walls. This a rather dull demo on  YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiTdKrQ0MU8.


Or - more low-fi -  give people torches that project new colours via filters onto primed walls.


4.  We create a campaign of "weeping walls ", showing how houses have feelings. Is your living room feeling ignored ? When was the last time you did something nice for your pantry ? Maybe your house wants to divorce you.


5. We put up posters for the "lost" Dulux dog on lamp-posts all over Britain. Then audition for a new one. Or better still, a new mascot - it could be the Dulux badger. Whoever wins goes into a face-off against the original iconic shaggy dog.


6. Dulux could create an eye-dropper function on their website, that the user could then use on any webpage to select a colour that they want. Maybe you can also repaint boring websites this way.


7. Set up a campaign in which we claim that Dulux have stolen colours from famous paintings (and possibly other famous things) for their new range. Set up a stunt in which some public art pieces are made to look like their colours have been nicked.


8. On a massive scale wall in the city centre a message invites the viewer to test the newest colour trends from Dulux - directly onto the scene. The viewer gets a mobile application on his iPhone (mobile with motion control).

With the application he can now choose his favourite colours and paint something (in the air). A beamer transfers the paintings onto the wall. Afterwards the viewer can send a link with his painting to friends.


9.
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHcvbcmnNu4&feature=PlayList&p=B62D4F665A818F99&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=37>


Commission Giuliano del Sorbo to create an ambient piece for Dulux using their vibrant range of colours on a large branded canvas. White strips of card embossed with the Dulux logo would be scattered at the base of the canvas catching splatters of paint. These could then be collected as souvenirs or taken to a Dulux colour matching counter.


10. Own the mood-changing properties of colours.

Paint prisons or drug rehab places.

Every week Dulux takes on a new challenge in the real world.

Change the world with colour.

 
There you go.

I think they did really well.

Young Bucks

 

A journalist in Creative Review (who went on to write for the Sunday Times, so he was no mug) once described me as having the worst dress sense of anybody in advertising.


It was a fair point, and one I was reminded of when I went to talk to Bucks College in High Wycombe last week.


Because students are always scruffier than you remember.


And I like that.


(Although it does raise the question. What could HHCL have achieved, beyond being Campaign’s Agency of The Decade, if I’d only put a bit more effort into co-ordinating my chinos.)


I went there to brief them on an idea I’ve got, so I needed their cooperation.


So I started off by telling them that they were studying the wrong subject at the wrong time.


As you do.


I told them it felt like the end of something.


I could have pointed out that in a recent survey of the 20 coolest brands in the UK, only about 6 of them have ever had any cool advertising. And only 1 of them has had any cool advertising in the last 12 months.

1 out of 20, in an industry which supposedly builds brands.

I could have gone on to quote the writer and actor Charlie Higson.


He was in a recent Guardian “My Media” feature. Increasingly, the celebrities answering the questions in this don’t bother to talk about advertising at all, although they’re all asked about it.


But Mr Higson did.


And his reply was a splendid bit of invective. He said “It tends to drive me insane. I get very cross at the way it leeches ideas from other media, adapts them, and then gives itself awards for them - completely unscrupulous."


Then, in a TV programme from last week, Mike Mills of REM was asked how he felt about his songs being used in advertising. “I’d rather cut my own finger off”, he said.


Of course, people have always been rude about advertising. The singer Neil Young once found that one of his songs, Heart of Gold, had been sold to MacDonald’s for an ad. He played it once at a concert, changing the words to “Hamburger of Gold” and then swore never to sing it live again.


Going even further back in history (although if you saw Neil Young at one of his recent concerts in London, you’d think it was impossible to go any further back in history that Neil Young) there’s a quote I’ve always liked which George Orwell used about our industry.


He wrote “Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a bucket of swill ”.


Presumably Ringan Ledwidge (one of the top 3 directors working in our industry right now) likes the quote as well since that’s the name of his production company.


But saying “advertising has always been bad” doesn’t solve the problem of how bad it is right now.


Does it ?

Although that does seem to be the attitituide of a few people in the industry right now.

Thinking like that would mean that no aspect of human life would ever progress in any way whatsoever.


“Yea, it’s pretty crap not having fire, it tends to mean we’re quite cold and our food options are severely restricted – but what can you do ? It’s always been like that.”


That’s why I was talking to a bunch of students. Because I wanted to see what they can come up with.


I gave them two brands which are going through a pitch process right now – Youngs Seafood and Dulux. I said – show me some ideas I won’t see anywhere else.


Show me ideas where I’m going to respond by saying – not “that’s nice”, or “that’s good” – both of which mean they will be invisible in the highly competitive media world out there.


But which I’ll respond to by saying – “Where the f*ck did that come from ?” or “Can we do that ?”


I gave them a week, so I’ll let you know how I get on.