Greed is good - Gordon Gecko said so!

Here in America, the capitol of capitalism, Wall Street and the clowns that work there never fail to amaze me... Not because of their "smarts" but because of their asinine dumbness.

Today's news that Google... The "God" of the stock market posted a fourth quarter increase in profits of 17% seemed to me to be pretty impressive. Earnings were $4.43 a share... But guess what? The Armani suited, tasseled loafer wearing, MBA wielding analysts had been forecasting earnings of $4.44 a share. So Google missed it by one penny. Which in my book is pretty damn minuscule.

But hey, I'm not a Wall Street Wiz. So, in after hours trading, Google is down nearly $45 a share. That's nearly 8% of it's value. And just the other day I was reading that the reason these clowns still get the multi-million dollar end-of-year bonuses, is because their employers don't want to lose their expertise. Yeah... The same guys who lost them billions in the sub-prime fiasco. Isn't capitalism great?

Living proof that advertising a bad product never works!

As I'm sat here enjoying a beer, I'm reading with a great deal of glee that uber-wanker, Rudy Giuliani has had his arse severely kicked in the Florida GOP primary. He finished with a miserable 15% of the vote.

This in spite of the fact that he massively outspent all his rivals, even zillionaire Robo-Romney. Giuliani gambled everything on Florida, running virtually a non-stop TV campaign for months. It just goes to prove that no matter how much you spend... If the product really sucks, the public won't buy it. I lived in New York throughout Rudy's reign and the vast majority of New Yorkers hated him.

What he apparently forgot is that Florida is full of retired New Yorkers, and most of them hate him as well. So now America's Mayor can kiss being America's President good bye... And good riddance.

Your serendipitous pint of tasteless swill, known as Bud Light, will be an inviolable accompaniment to your appallingly foul Domino pizza!

Even after more years than Charles has been waiting to ascend to the throne, I am constantly amazed at how most Americans talk such incredible shit. There's a piece in today's AdAge about "Cognitive branding" in the Super Bowl.

Now, I'm usually a big fan of AdAge, rather than AdWeek, which I strongly believe will not be with us for much longer. Anyway, columnist, Lisa Haverty goes on and on about how brands should have "Fundamental Cognitive Elements," when it comes to beer advertising. She even quotes "a study released at this year's Cognitive Science Conference, (What!!!) that is exactly what researchers found.

Ads with poor "cognitive scores" were mis-attributed by consumers, and beer ads were attributed to the huge Super Bowl presence that is Budweiser." Wow... That's heavy stuff Lisa... But I have just one question... Instead of saying "Cognitive" twenty times through your piece... Why couldn't you have just said "Memorable." It would actually have made it more memorable. David Ogilvy (remember him?) once said, "Never use a complicated word when you can use a simple word. I think that's pretty "Cognitive!"

Another Yahoo cock up!

It seems like just over a year ago when Yahoo was making a big yahoo out of the fact that it was creating this wonderful new idea they were calling "Brand Universes" The plan was to have over a hundred of these destinations for consumers to celebrate brands.

Supposedly people with nothing better to do would wet their knickers at the prospect of going to a destination that featured user created videos, reviews, pictures, bookmarks and assorted junk about their favorite brand of sausage meat, or whatever.

But, only a handful of sites were actually produced, including those for Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars and Harry Potter. The initiative was formally shelved last week. Yahoo says it's so they can focus on their core assets such as news, finance, entertainment and sports. I say, it's 'cos it was a really dumb idea in the first place.

If you're in the US Ad Biz, a law degree might come in handy!

Yet another ugly "Ad Biz Harassment" case is grinding its way through the legal system with the news that a judge in New York today rejected Dentsu's motion for a summary judgment in the case of Steve Biegel v. Dentsu Holdings.

And it only seems like a year ago when Julie Roehm was suing Wal-Mart because they accused her of getting up to all kinds of shenanigans with Draft/FCB. And Steve Dworin has an on-going suit against Donny Deutsch. Most of these cases drag on, then eventually get settled out of court... Unless you're as filthy rich as Sir Martin, then you can afford to kick the shit out of any Italian underling that dares to cross your path!

Waiter, waiter... There's a fly in my soup!

News today in the US that a California consumer is suing Dannon for false advertising claims for Activia and DanActive, the company’s "probiotic" yogurts, doesn't surprise me. The consumers lawyer charged that “Deceptive advertising has enabled Dannon to sell hundreds of millions of dollars worth of ordinary yogurt at inflated prices to responsible, health conscious consumers.” So what else is new?

I remember how just last year it turned out that the leading brand of guacamole being sold here in America didn't have a trace of avocado in it. Lots of soy beans, battery acid, reconstituted pigs toenails, ground up umbrella handles and green food coloring, but not a hint of guacamole.

First off, I blame consumers for believing all this crap. But secondly, I blame ad agencies for allowing themselves to help peddle this junk. I guess it has something to do with money... Dontcha think?

Big Blue... Or, Big Meanie?

Just so you understand how the American job market works... In January 2006, three IBM workers filed a class action suit claiming Big Blue had illegally deprived thousands of its workers of overtime pay by classifying them as exempt under labor law.  IBM settled the suit by paying $65 million to 32,000 workers. 

But the resolution must have been eating at IBM since, because it's now teaching 7,600 of its employees the meaning of getting what you deserve. Forced by law to finally pay the overtime, IBM has decided to balance things out by cutting their base pay by 15 percent. This means workers will now have to work overtime. But IBM naturally tries to keep overtime to a minimum, so, according to company documents, about a third of these employees will end up taking a pay cut, because they made the company abide by the law.

Did I mention that IBM just reported record earnings and raised its outlook for the year? One veteran employee said, "Anybody who works for IBM knows that when they look to cut costs, they're really going to cut costs. I was so angry I could hardly speak, and it takes a lot to make me angry." IBM's take on the story? "Our workers understand this is something we must do to remain competitive within our industry." Yeah, right. What a load of bollocks!!!

Yes Gordon... You can download "Trainspotting." For just about the cost of your next fix!

No doubt, you've been enjoying all the recent hoopla with the MacWorld announcement of Apple's new iTunes movie rental service. It was enough to make the AppleFreak faithful cream in their jeans when GodSteve made the announcement.

But, has anyone thought about what will happen when more than a few thousand people start downloading movies at the same time? I mean because unlike the Korean government, who invested $1.95 billion in a broadband infrastructure back in 1995, here in the US, we left it to the telcos and cable companies, 'cos otherwise it would have smacked of "Socialism!"

That's why 90% of Koreans have a 3mbps connection right into the home, and we have ever increasing bills for ever worsening service. And that's why Time Warner Cable is experimenting with caps on broadband usage, which means if you get into too much movie downloading, suddenly you’re paying $30 per movie.

The ever rapacious cable companies are about to fowl their nest if they pursue this. 'Cos there's always satellite and DSL, which may be a bit slower, but for the average user, it won't make much difference. Still the cable companies have a history of arrogance and greed. Must be all that "Competition" deregulation ushered in. Isn't capitalism great?

Why the Swiss never miss?

In my never ending quest to bring you the latest and best from the USA... I bring you this from Zurich... You have to take your hat off to the Swiss.

Apart from having lots of snow, great food and wine, and cows that don't shit... It's true, you can drive around Switzerland for days and never see any cow shit in the fields. Honest. So, pay attention.

Anyway, check this out... This is a fine demonstration of how effective the correct use of web technology can be. It's a map of Swiss trains in real time.

OK, it just shows Zurich at the moment, but you can actually follow the trains in motion. It's only in alpha right now, but you know that within a few days the "YodelMeisters" will have that sucker humming. What will they think of next... Clocks that go cuckoo?

Crappy things to look forward to in 2008!

Yes... It's that time of the year again when everyone is making forecasts on where the ad biz will be in 2008. Now Leo Burnett in Britain has decided to make a few daft and not so daft predictions.

You can read their full list as posted by Piers on PSFK, here. Most of them make some kind of minimal sense, the one that makes me maddest though, is the one called, "Screen Saturation," where they claim that in the coming year will see the explosion of screen-based media, with screens on the side of buses, in petrol stations, supermarkets, loos and just about everywhere.

As I say in my next book "The Ubiquitous Persuaders," we are exposed to too much advertising as it is... That's why it's becoming increasingly ineffective. God forbid everything ends up like a scene from "Blade Runner" where it was impossible to escape from projected images on just about everything. But, if you're a robot, I suppose you don't care.

Will the NFL go all cor blimey?

I must say, I am a bit surprised by the news today that the NFL has decided Brit's are either too drunk all the time or perhaps brain dead, that they'll welcome a re-run of last years game at Wembley Stadium between the New York Giants and the Miami Dolphins. Yes, the game was a sell out, but in the nineteenth century P.T. Barnum's freak shows were also a sell out, but they didn't last.

I don't think the European temperament is suited to a game that has one hour playing time, yet can last for four hours, because the teams spend more time falling down or sitting on the sideline than actually touching the ball. Which reminds me, why do Americans insist on calling it football, when virtually no one touches the ball with their foot. Shouldn't it be handball.

Oh, and finally, why does each team have 80 players on the sideline, many of which never actually get on the pitch? Then again, stupid me forgets that unlike Soccer, as they call the "beautiful game" here, when the rest of the world calls it football, American football has more non-playing time than playing time... So it's actually the perfect American TV sport, as the time to run non-stop commercials far outweighs the playing time.

The Shogun shafts... Whoever he wants!

The world's second most evil man, finally gets his long sought prize. News today that Larry "The Shogun" Ellison's Redwood City software company, Oracle, said it is buying BEA Systems of San Jose for $8.5 billion, ending a courtship that began last year with BEA's rejection of a lower offer.

The agreement calls for Oracle to acquire all outstanding shares of BEA for $19.375 a share - a hefty premium over the $17 a share Oracle originally offered, but less than the $21 a share that BEA's board of directors was demanding.

Larry, who has a reputation for getting whatever he wants, whether it be other companies, giant ocean going yachts, supersonic jet fighters, or ladies with drastically enhanced boobs, will no doubt go through the new acquisition with one of his 1,000 year old, 1,000 times folded blade samurai swords, chopping heads off left and right, before he gets down to the serious business of turning their advertising into a gigantic dung heap of mediocrity. But hey, if you've got more money than God, with the exception of the man you hate most in the world, (Bill Gates,) you can do that!

Bloody hell, Banksy... I hope you're getting a piece of the action!

I've never quite figured out the attraction of "Banksy." Don't get me wrong here...

...I love what he does. And even though it involves the use of stencils, I think it's a hell of a lot more creative than dumping rotting fish and sheep in giant tanks of formaldehyde that have to be changed every few years 'cos they are starting to stink.

Anyway anyone familiar with the expanding and increasingly expensive world of "Graffiti Art" will know that "Banksy" is at the top of his profession. What with having his stuff on everything from the Berlin Wall to the Israeli/Palestine Wall, his work is rapidly acquiring the status of a "New Art" icon.

No surprise that a work by Banksy, which appeared in September last year outside a post-production company on the Portobello Road, West London, has topped £200k on eBay:

The owner of the wall in question has stated that the successful bidder will, in addition to the sale price, have to cough up for the "removal and replacement of the wall". Which, at the moment shouldn't cost more than £5,000. But, that's far less than the down payment on a rancid public loo in Hackney!

Sorry Rory... But Ogilvy is screwed

Rory Sutherland took exception to my Ogilvy post of Jan 8th... Here is my reply...

Rory... I have always been a great admirer of Ogilvy and many of the people who work there. I have freelanced there, on and off, since the eighties and Steve Hayden is a personal friend.

My point is that  irrespective of industry kudos, O&M New York's new business record over the last four years is abysmal. That's a reflection of management. Yet when they give the troops the pep talk at Cipriani tonight after laying off 60 people, many of who had been there for years, not one member of the management will have been "Downsized." And I can guarantee you, there will be the usual pep talks about future challenges and how "We're all in it together."

But as I say in my AdScam post for today... Some are in it up to their armpits. It has nothing to do with Old/New/Digital/Interactive or whatever you want to call it. It has everything to do with making the numbers. That's what the ad biz is all about now. That's why BDA's, and those unfortunate enough to work in them, are screwed.

When it comes to Ogilvy... Would someone please dig David up?

As I've been in Ogilvy bashing mode for the last couple of days, I did a bit of retro-research to see what I had written about them in the past... Came up with this gem from November of 2006...

Chris Wall, co-chief creative officer at Ogilvy, intends to launch an agency offshoot called Ogilvy Transient. Wall described Transient at the shop’s Verge conference yesterday, and it doesn’t refer to an under-bathed creative. It'll be a roaming, experimental agency unit that aims to produce “brand journalism” for clients, with creative types thinking like editors. (I think this means low pay.) Ogilvy Transient’s “band of storytellers” (regular agency slobs, plus sexy outsiders, like a “house novelist” and “independent filmmaker”) will roam the land desperately seeking inspiration and the Big Idea. “We will go where the story is and create on the fly,” Wall declared.

Mmmm, subsequent searches found absolutely nothing about this new venture... Just like ex-CD Rick Boyko's previous thing to be funded by Ogilvy, called "Agency 360" or something, were they they would have micro-super-creative mini agencies all over America doing "Off-the-Wall" wacky creative shit... Then it disappeared, and Rick went off to run a high priced portfolio Factory in Virginia. You would think by now that when BDA's come up with these grandiose schemes they'd keep their mouths shut 'til they find out if they are actually working, or not! But then again, most people in advertising have the attention span of a gnat!