I want to be a scriptwriter for The Bill

For the first time in probably twenty years I watched The Bill on ITV last night. I'd actually pretty much forgotten that is existed but a story in yesterday's Mirror that said that its scriptwriters were looking to hire Caroline Quentin in a bid to boost flagging ratings reminded me of its existence.

It's now one-hour long, has a new more dramatic credits and is obviously quite expensive to produce. It's also not very good.

Once a home for graduates of EastEnders there was a woman in it who used to be in Hollyoaks. June Ackland's gone as has Reg Hollis and DC Carver and Burnside and the only face I remembered was PC Stamp who, judging by the fact that he hasn't been promoted, picked the wrong career.

The acting of Graham Cole who plays Stamp acting was wooden, perhaps reflecting that the show was originally going to be called Wooden Tops, and in a particularly painful scene he delivered a long and tortuous analogy of how the chair that he was trying to fix was similar to the problems that needed fixing on an estate that had been neglected by the police. It was so bad it was funny.

I thought that ITV had revamped The Bill to make it edgier and grittier. It looked like something from a school play. Anyway, as a fan of unintentionally really bad telly I'm hooked. Enjoy the weekend.

This looks SH1T

Just five months after Jacko's death, footage of him rehearsing for his tour has been cobbled together to create a film - This Is It - that is now on general release.

Elizabeth Taylor tweeted the message that the spliced footage of a sick, possibly mentally-ill, man going through the motions of a tour that he clearly didn't want to do and arguably contributed to his overdosing on painkillers was 'The most brilliant piece of filmmaking I have ever seen'.

Really? Is it better than Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, in which she stars alongside Marlon Brando? I'm pretty sure that it's not going to be as good as Son of Rambow, which makes me cry lie a little girl every time I see it.

The film's director describes the footage as 'the last sacred document of our leader and friend' while some of his brothers - Marlon, Tito, Randy and possibly Ken - attended the premiere in Los Angeles.

And so it is that history is being rewritten and a cult of Michael Jackson merchandising machine moves into action. It's all rather tasteless and venal and voyeuristic and I can't wait to see it.

Happy birthday John Cleese. And Viz

Cleese is 70 today and Viz is, astonishingly, 30. The juvenile magazine has been a part of my life for 20 of those years although I stopped buying it some years ago - in fact probably about the same time they sold out to John Brown and admitted that it wasn't 'as funny as it used to be'.

But the thing is, it still is - it's kept me entertained through my Sixth Form (where it was required reading and I was too stupid to realise it was lampooning people like me), University and many years of work.

But among my legion high-profile media achievments - column at the student newspaper, appearance on Radio Essex lunchtime show, having a text read out on Adam & Joe Show, this amazing blog - I've never managed to get a submission included in Roger's Profanisaurus.

For this reason I'm going to resolve myself to buying it until I do.

Cleese's comedy is equally enduring - I even like Clockwise - and traces back to the days when it was OK to abuse Andrew Sachs. Anyway, the point of this post is to wish a happy birthday to both.

Is it too early to start wearing a Poppy?

This is the big issue of the day.

I was repelled to see Nick Griffin wearing one, in complete ignorance of the hundreds of thousands of Commonwealth soldiers who died - and continue to die - for Britain, last week.

I also noticed Gordon Brown was wearing one in PMQs last week while Dave was not; whether they will claim for these on expenses is a different matter but it looked like a bit of political one-upmanship.

On telly, too, Sky reporters are wearing them while those on the BBC are not yet. The repugnant Jon Snow on Channel 4 News memorably refuses to wear one.

So is it too early to wear one? Incidentally I've got mine on and think that people who don't wear them at all should be punched in the head.

Tonight will show why TV matters

Television has long been under attack. Digital media, societal change and audience fragmentation mean that those occasions when the whole nation gathers around their set have become increasingly rare. But when they do happen it's a useful reminder of how important TV is as social glue.

And one of those moments will happen tonight.

I refer of course to Countrywise on ITV1 where, according to the listings, Paul Heiney (remember him from the early 80s?) will 'visit a farm and a jam factory'. Sounds like fascinating stuff and it's on just after Five's always excellent and entertaining Live From Studio Five and before Paris Hilton's Best American Friend Forever on ITV2.

Politicians may come and go and politcs may be transitory but television will never die.

Sky News should show attempts to move the 70-stone fat man live on telly

Rolling news services have changed television viewing for ever for news junkies like me. Rather than having to wait to get an evening fix delivered by an authoritative gentlemen speaking to a grateful nation, live news feeds are available all day long and we have Sky News to thank for pioneering this.

While they sometimes end up making news out of the trivial (Gately's funeral dare I say it....), there are occasions when the television footage they show is unmissable.

The NHS's decision to move the heaviest man in Britain, who eats three Chinese meals a night and claims incapacity benefit, from his home in Ipswich to a specialist unit where they'll attempt to cut through the blubber and reduce the size of his stomach is one such TV moment to savour.

Previous efforts, when he was a mere slip of a thing at 56 stone, involved a forklift truck and the removal of walls to prise the former postal worker out. On this occasion the use of a heavylift Chinook helicopter was considered but has now been ruled out in favour of a five ton ambulance. Quite how they get him into the ambulance is a different question.

With elements of ITV's You Bet, it's got the makings of a great live TV event and I'm sure that Change4Life would find sponsoring it would generate a more useful return on investment than sponsoring The Simpsons.

I can't wait to see the BNP on Question Time

Former senior heads of the armed forces, including Generals Sir Mike Jackson and Sir Richard Dannatt, have quite rightly criticised the BNP and other extreme right-wing organisation for appropriating the use of military symbols to stir up racial hatred.

Jackson tells The Times: 'How dare they use the image of the Army, in particular, to promote their policies. These people are beyond the pale.' Quite right. And as has been pointed out, people from ethnic minority groups and Commonwealth troops have fought as part of the British Army for centuries, while Polish exiles flew with particulat distinction during the Battle of Britain (a slogan that the BNP has also despicably hijacked for itself).

Jackson has put up a far better argument as to why the BNP should be allowed to appear on BBC's Question Time on Thursday than Peter Hain who has claimed that the appearance of its leader Nick Griffin would be unlawful and has sought an injunction against it.

Unfortunately the BNP is a legitimate political party and is attracting growing support - the only way to defeat them is with intelligent argument and not with bans imposed by a political elite whose inherent unpopularity could lead to them gaining more sympathy.

Gordon Brown plays the biscuit game

I'm so bored of people talking about the potency of social media sites that I've decided to go on a journey in a helium balloon - I've already tipped off the Berkhamsted and Tring Gazette.

I'd never really considered or cared what sort of biscuit Gordon Brown preferred but the great democratising tool that is social media - in this case parents' website Mumsnet - has forced the PM to stop avoiding this key issue and finally come clean. An excited nation learnt that he prefers chocolate biscuits.

Perhaps we'll find out at some point what his exit strategy is for Afghanistan is or why he sold our gold reserves off in 1997 when if he'd waited until now he might have got a better price from Cash4Gold.

Twitter is also claiming victory over some things that Jan Moir wrote about the sainted Stephen Gately in last week's Daily Mail. I didn't read her column but I expect it was absolutely vile and it is she, and not Leona Lewis, who is deserving of a punch to the head.

The only vaguely amusing thing is that the Mail has to some extent been hoist by its own petard - having led a campaign against Jonathan Ross, it was only a matter of time before a special interest group did the same thing to it.

No Matter What They Tell Me...

Unfortunately Sky News is devoting its schedule tomorrow to live coverage of the funeral of Stephen Gately in Dublin.

In fact the broadcaster has devoted a surprisingly large amount of airtime to cover the premature death of the Boyzone singer. There was even a lengthy interview with a weepy Louis Walsh last night.

While the death of anyone, let alone a 33-year-old, is undoubtedly a tragedy, the circumstances surrounding Gately's death are particularly peculiar even though the coroner has said that he died of natural causes. The fact that so many people have been ushered out to say what a 'lovely', 'kind', 'beautiful' person he was can only add to the mystery.

Why was he sleeping on all fours on the sofa in the 'praying position'? What exactly was going on with his husband and the other man that they met in a club? Putting up shelves?

It's all rather unbelievable and while the PR strategy to the media seems to be about weepy pop singers and misty eyed Irish romanticism, which have willingly bought it and are perpetuating it, the whole thing is all rather strange and distasteful. Wall-to-wall TV coverage of the funeral will not make me believe anything any different.

Fame. I'm going to live forever

Celebrity is everything and my attempts to reach the ultimate goal of making an appearance in the celebrity-tat pages of some rubbish freesheet continue apace.

Having already been interviewed on BBC Radio Essex ranting about the Blessed Jade; deemed responsible enough to be allowed a column in the student newspaper sixteen years ago and having an email read out on Retro Text the Nation on the Adam & Joe Show, the fame continues to pile on.

Today marks the end of Antony Gormley's Fourth Plinth art project in London's Trafalgar Square. The project saw a different person stand on the plinth as a 'living statue' every hour for 100 days. It was screened by Sky's Sky Arts channel and one of the artists who took part kindly included this message for me:

It was broadcast at 6am one Sunday morning a few weeks ago so apologies if you've seen it before. I'll let you know what happens inside Neil Sean's sinister Green Room.

Only Sir Roger Moore is allowed to bang on about being an ambassador for Unicef

Wooden Pirates of the Caribbean actor Orlando Bloom has been made a goodwill ambassador for children's charity Unicef. A worthwhile cause, of cause, but the best thing about Unicef is that Sir Roger Moore insists on talking about it at every opportunity when what everyone is really interested is Bond (and possibly The Saint - rarely Ivanhoe).

In his excellent autobiography, Moore - who like many fine gentlemen is an Old Challoner - manages to fill an entire chapter on his involvement with the charity. I have to admit, that while I admire his involvement, it wasn't really why I bought the book. Nonetheless I read bits of it out of duty and an everlasting respect and in honour of Sir Roge.

I'm unlikely to ever buy Bloom's autobiography, should he chose to write one. So he should feel free to fill the whole book with his involvement in it.

Incidentally, I've always though those Post Office ads were absolute crap. But not now they've got Sir Roger in them - they must count among his best work.

If no-one else wants to run ITV then I'll do it

The revolving doors at ITV's headhunters continue to spin at absurd speed with Sir Michael Bishop, a previous favourite for the chairmanship at the broadcaster, ruling himself at the eleventh hour.

The appointment of Bishop was reportedly one of the sticking points in previous negotiations with Tony Ball who was approached for the chief executive job. With Michael Grade standing down at the end of the year and no chairman and no chief executive, its chief operating officer John Cresswell has said that he will stand in as interim chief. And then he'll leave.

Quite what's going on at 200 Gray's Inn Road is a mystery. Its director of television Peter Fincham is being linked to the chief executive of Channel 4 so could soon be leaving too.

So why doesn't anyone (other than Rupert Howell) want to work there? OK, so there's a bit of a hole in the pension fund but ITV has got nice offices, the salaries are generally pretty good, there is a subsidised canteen and you get to hang around with minor TV celebrities.

 With this in mind I'm available for hire if Digital Radio UK don't want me.

Sits vac: 150 grand to make people buy digital radios

That's the amount that the public body, Digital Radio UK, is offering for its first chief executive. Apparently, though, this remuneration package is not enough to attract a candidate of a 'sufficient calibre' from the radio industry.

150 grand! In the same week that the whole issue of excessive executive pay, particularly in the public sector, has dominated the headlines?

While I'm sure that co-ordinating digital switchover will be a challenge, is it really worth just slightly less than the prime minister and more than 50k more than the most senior army officer.

And given that the majority of senior radio executives have made a complete mess of running a medium that appears to be scrapping for its right to exist, let alone take advertiser money, you'd have thought that the headhunters would be looking outside of the industry and not just re-arranging the deckchairs.

In fact, I'm tempted to go for it myself.

What's the difference between Anton Du Beke's head on a plate and Russell Brand's?

Both Du Beke and Russell Brand made offensive comments, which were subsequently reported in the newspapers and led to a subsequent crescendo of complaints to the BBC. The difference is the responses that both complaints have received.

At the time of the Brand outburst, the campaign was led by the Daily Mail and it resulted in Brand's resignaton and the suspension of his middle-aged side-kick idiot savant Jonathan Ross. Elements of the media were outraged that an orchestrated campaign by the Mail had led to this outcome.

Du Beke's comments, which unlike Brand's were never broadcast, have been picked up by the anti-fascist group Hope Not Hate and the BBC has seen complaints quadruple. They argue that his use of the word 'paki' was more offensive than Carol Thatcher's use of the word 'golliwog' and demand tough action against the dancer, who has apologised for his outburst. Thatcher, you will remember also made her comments in private, off-camera and they were never broadcast. She didn't apologise and was sacked.

The BBC is, however, sticking by Du Beke.

Aside from who has been the most offensive - an impossibly complicated argument - the real question is why has the BBC acted differently in every episode given that it is supposed to have procedures in place to deal with this. Also, while there was a kickback against Brand's treatment at the hands of the press, there is noticeably less so against Du Beke who was exposed in the News of the World.

While I regard the Daily Mail in utter contempt, I can understand that any of their journalists who do have souls might be feeling a little confused by the rest of the media's ability to be inconsistent as that of the BBC.

Ultimately Du Beke, Brand and Thatcher all leave me cold so I'd never employed any of them in the first place.

Nicholas Lyndhurst: our revenge for war, poverty and what they did to John Lennon

The BBC is apparently touting Butterflies, a depressing but 70s epoch-defining family sitcom starring Wendy Craig as a frustrated housewife and Nicholas Lyndhurst as her teenage son, to the US market. Good.

For anyone old enough to remember Butterflies it was absolutely awful and it's the least that the Americans deserve after they gave us the collapse of the world economy because of their obsession with giving mortgages to people who live in worthless trailers.

Lyndhurst has also re-emerged in a one-off prequel to Only Fools and Horses, which I admit was once brilliant but should have been killed off when they sold their watch, with the title Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n' Chips . He'll be playing Rodney's biological father, Freddie 'the Frog', in what is a prime example of a TV franchise being franchised to death.

If subsequent series of Only Fools and Horses are anything to go by, I expect it will be rubbish too. The only good I can see coming of this is if we manage to punt it to the Americans in 2040.

Before then, at least we can shove Goodnight Sweetheart at them.