In the style of 11-plus papers - Mr Bean is to Rowan Atkinson as Harold Steptoe was to Harry H Corbett

Oh dear, Rowan Atkinson, what have you created?

Your TV and film character Mr Bean ceased to be funny well over 15 years ago and yet you've decided to make a public appearance in character at the Goodwood Revival later this month.

Please reconsider. You're a fine comedian responsible for creating one of the best-loved comedy characters - Blackadder, natch - but you're in danger of being remembered for your role playing a creepy, possibly autistic, odd-ball.

According to the press release, 'Atkinson will recreate the hilarious scene when the character bought various items....and then realised that it would not fit in his diminuitive Mini'. Streuth.

Everyone knows you love cars but you don't need to stoop this low. The last time that anyone laughed at Mr Bean was when the wise Vince Cable likened Gordon Brown to him. And that's not just because they are both inept - they're also deeply unpopular.

I thought Jeff Brazier and Jack Tweed were the same person

Reserved, as it is, for only the most serious media issues of the day, this blog can reveal that it was only today that I discovered that they aren't.

And what's more Virgin Media TV's Living channel has commissioned an hour-long pilot that follows one of them - not sure which - as he tries to rebuild his life and those of Jade's children. According to the accompanying PR guff, Jeff/Jack has 'done everything to shelter them from more stress or upheaval' following the very public death of their mother.

Which is presumably why he has agreed to put them on the tellybox in this. 

Superdaddy, the name of the show, will then follow Jeff/Jack as he draws on all his vast knowledge of dealing with difficult emotions to help other families in conflict situations. It uses. we are told a dramatic 'lock in' where the family are forced to confront each other and 'battle out' their issues. The show culminates with feedback from the entire family, including the children.

Seriously responsible non-exploitative television or more rubbish from its multi-channel fringes? Perhaps only Jeff/Jack, or even Jade, knows the answer.

Sky News, Eammon Holmes and Gok Wan-alike

At midday today, an estimated 3000 people who have selflessly decided to sacrifice getting a job in order to cause disruption in the name of climate change will set up camp at an as yet unknown London location. They promise 'direct action' in the week-long protest as well as 'workshops'. Exciting stuff.

I learnt this from Sky News' excellent anchor Eammon Holmes who interviewed a spokesperson from the group, who was called Alan, this morning. Unfortunately Alan looked like an even more feminine version of Gok Wan and Holmes, genuinely confused by the person's gender, introduced him as such adding 'I was expecting someone called Alan'. It was brilliant.

He then proceeded to barely hide his contempt for the lazy androgynous loony with a series of sarcastic quesitions. I can't say I ever watched Holmes on GMTV - all a bit too cosy - but he is an excellent and affable host. As well as appearing to be the best resourced news channel, he is part of the reason why Sky News is unmissable television in the morning.

I look forward to watching what the Camp for Action Change get up to over the rest of the week and Holmes' wry commentary on it.

TV highlight of the week - Bravo's Deadliest Warrior

Tuesdays are special. Tonight at 10pm the world should stop as Bravo broadcasts the definitive study as to which warrior is the deadliest.

So far Deadliest Warrior has taught us that Spartans are harder than Ninja and that Samurai are deadlier than Vikings. And all through watching some American stuntmen or fans of a particular warrior thump the crap out of pig carcasses and a Jello torso, plus some computer modelling.

It's genuinely brilliant. Tonight we find out whether the Green Berets are deadlier than the Spetsnaz (Russian special forces) and I can't wait.

As well as being entertaining, Deadliest Warrior also has a more serious application. Think of the lives that would have been saved if it the Argies had bothered to check how hard 2 Para are? Or that the French don't really need a standing army at all?

Lyrics by Tony Hatch, sung by Barry Crocker

Why is RED driving school spending so much money advertising at the moment? But it and that awful Peugeot 207 Verve ad seem to be sustaining daytime television at the moment. Fact Me indeed.

I know this because I was off  work last week and was able to indulge in daytime television. These two ads, the understandable absence of Barry Bethell and the fact that Neighbours is no longer on the BBC meant that it was a very different experience to the one I enjoyed when I was a student.

It's not as if being a driving instructor is a particularly attractive job, unless you are called Ken and wear socks and sandles. This fact was thrown into sharp relief last night in Gunrush on ITV1 when Timothy Spall's driving instructor character watched his daughter murdered and then set off in an attempt to catch her killers.

It was quite powerful, albeit somewhat unbelievable, stuff made more noticeable because of the lack of recent quality drama on commercial television in general and ITV in particular. But teasers for the Autumn drama slate look as if there might be some half-decent shows that will appeal to a wide demographic.

Quality drama doesn't come cheap though so for that reason we should I guess be grateful to the ranks of increasingly obscure advertisers, particularly from the 'we buy your gold' sector, that means that any of it is shown on free-to-air television.

It's not all doom and gloom - Marlboro are bringing out a new range of fags

Everyone knows that smoking is cool and that smokers are generally more fun to be around than non-smokers. Everyone also knows that smoking is not good for your health, thanks to years of advertising wearing us down, but those of us who take a cheery and relaxed view about life carry on regardless.

The tobacco industry is demonised as if it is as evil as Satan himself. But how can something that provides so much simple pleasure to so many be so wrong? When he was dying of cancer Dennis Potter, a man who carried on smoking through his illness and knew they were responsible for his predicament, described cigarettes as 'these little tubes of delight'. And for the moment at least, I feel much the same.

For that reason I can't help but be delighted that for the first time in ages, Marlboro is lanching a new range. Non-smokers will of course work themselves into a lather but now that smoking is banned virtually everywhere it's got nothing to do with them and they can shut up. Some won't of course, unfortunately there's a band of people dedicated to ruining other people's fun, whether it impacts on them or not.

Quite rightly, I think, cigarette advertising has been banned - it should rely on word-of-mouth and be left to the hard kids only. 

I'm off next week. Smoking.

Tesco Text The Nation - text, text, text

Interesting news for fans of poster rotation - Tesco has launched a mysterious outdoor ad campaign for the launch of a new Clubcard scheme.

As well as meaning that some of those tatty old posters that have been up for months (strict two-week posting cycles followed outdoor revenue out of the window months ago) have finally been papered over, this has generated a gentle hum of excitement about what the reveal could be.

Tesco has done a smart move - the ads are striking because the sites have been stuck looking the same for weeks - and its reputation for secrecy means that no-one knows (or is too scared of the firm) to say what Clubcard 2 is all about.

Which is why we are asking readers with inside knowledge to cough. And if you're using email, it's not a problem:

Email joe.thomas@haymarket.com

Metro - free and worth every penny

There was a scare story going around the other week that you shouldn't pick up copies of Metro on trains because its previous reader might have sneezed into it and then you might catch swine flu.

It was just another of the swine flu panic stories that swept the country resulting in a number of people pulling sickies in July. But I think there's another reason why you shouldn't pick up the freesheet - it's not good for your brain.

Because I'm too tight to buy a paper at Berko station, I always find myself drawn to it. Then regret it. Aside from the featherweight news coverage, what never fails to annoy me is The Green Room by Neil Sean, possibly the world's worst columnist. Among today's revelations are that 'Kylie Minogue enjoys wearing her men's fragrance range. "I have become addicted to splashing it on," she says'.

Also, we discovered, 'Mark Ronson loves to change his hairstyle. "Oh what look shall I go for today", he reveals'. Fascinating stuff.

And then there's Andrei Harmsworth (now that surname is strangely familiar...) who pulls a peculiar Lady Di-style 'look down then look up' pose in his pic writing about tittle tattle.

When Metro lanched I thought it was a smart move - people wanted a quick run down of free news on their way to work. But over time, I'm not sure who it is meant to appeal to. In an era when publishers are finally realising that they will have to charge for content, whether that be in print or online, the likes of Metro look destined to become increasingly trashy.

Oh no - not James Caan too

Until now I thought the ad for Moneysupermarket.com featuring lanky Dragon's Den panellist Peter Jones would surely go down as the worst of the year. But given that fellow 'Dragon' James Caan has now appointed a PR agency to manage his media relations and find personal endorsement opportunities this could all change.

I don't actually mind Jones or Caan - they are both genuine entrepreneurs and have made some serious cash out of being smart, although I've gone off the programme a bit; just seems a bit out of touch.

OK - they are a bit flashy and vulgar but they've made a few quid through their own hard graft so good luck to them and they are nowhere near as bad as the ageing Duncan Bannatyne with his suspiciously dark mop head of hair (and not as good as the likeable Theo).

So why do they need to get involved in awful TV ads and brand endorsements?

What worries me the most is that Deborah Meaden, who made what money she has through some caravan parks in the Westcountry - in other words she had a field with some standpipes - might do the same in order to get a quick buck. Perhaps she could be the face of Fiammi chemical toilets.

Anyway enjoy the 12th. Glorious.

Jeremy spoke in class today

Another Jeremy has appeared on marketingmagazine.co.uk's blog panel and as he seems to be prodigous in his output there is a danger that my brand has become diluted and it gives the impression that you have to be called Jeremy to blog here.

Jeremy isn't a good name, I know that. But other than Clarkson there seem to be very few of them that are famous in media circles (me included although I did reach the height of fame in 1993 when I was allowed to write a column for the student newspaper).

Because of the arrival of the other Jeremy I was going to revert to a pseudonym. It is said that social media is powerful - it's not; not really. It's the people who comment on it that have the power. This was proved to me when a comment a pseudonym of mine wrote on the MediaGuardian website attracted the highest number of recommendations. It was a deliberately childish comment about Tim Westwood.

But as there are so few Jeremys in media - I fear that they must all be attracted either to the City of 'performing arts' - I'm going to persevere and will have to put up with the other one writing about whatever he writes about.

Fingers crossed, Tesco's plans could mark the end of Last of the Summer Wine

It's a rare day indeed when you'll find me supporting Tesco but news that residents of the West Yorkshire town of Holmfirth have been busy with clipboard petitions, and possibly plotting a candle-lit vigil, against the supermarket opening in the town has got me on side.

Holmfirth is, of course, the home of the mysteriously long-running comedy series for octogenarians, Last of the Summer Wine and residents are worried that it will put off the tourists.

It's not an original observation but as soon as the opening chords to that show start up, a sudden depression washes over me. And it's not just because it's such a potent signpost that the weekend is rapidly drawing to an end but also it's emblematic of how little television has moved on; let's face it, it is and always has been absolute rubbish.

Family-friendly comedy is an almost impossible line to walk but surely there must be something more palatable than Last of the Summer Wine. And if the arrival of Tesco means that it will finally - please God - lead to the last of the Last of the Summer Wine then that can only be a good thing.

In fact I hope that Tesco is followed by TK Maxx, Makro and Poundland so that Holmfirth resembles every other grim high street rather than the deserted Eldorado-esque set that it otherwise appears to be. Then we can get the schedules full of something more realistic and possibly even funny and Sundays wouldn't be half so depressing.

I don't believe in Beatles. I just believe in Ferris Bueller

Everyone loves Ferris Bueller. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads. . . they all think he's a righteous dude.

And I feel the same about John Hughes' films. Hughes who died yesterday was rightly credited with being the only film director able to make films that appeal to teenagers. With a body of work that includes The Breakfast Club, National Lampoon's Vacation, Weird Science, Uncle Buck and of course the seminal Ferris Bueller's Day Off, he was responsible for shaping an entire generation.

(OK so he was also guilty of Home Alone but given the rest of the films that he made that is a minor blip on an otherwise unblemished career and I guess that Michael Jackson was pleased as it introduced him to Macauley Culkin).

The films stand the test of time and I hope that a broadcaster (ITV2 perhaps) is smart enough to devote some airtime to his life's works. After all they are all going into override on the fact that a violent criminal who escaped justice for years, was responsible for the premature death of a train driver and has shown no remorse has been freed. And it's not as if Buster was a good film either.

ITV's loss of £105m is peanuts these days

It's quite something when a six month loss of £105m is considered surprisingly good news, but that's how I felt this morning when I saw ITV's interim results.

Given the state of the economy, the ad market plus the absurd restrictions and regulations that the broadcaster is restrained by I expected it to be much worse.

What's more ITV has finally managed to off-load that absurd Charles Allen-inherited purchase FriendReunited for £25m, which may be £140m less than its former management team paid for it but still seemed to be quite a good price considering nobody uses it anymore.

So, for the time being at least, ITV hopefully won't need to go cap in hand to Lord Mandy of Rio to seek a publicly-funded bail-out. What it does need though is a loosening of the regulatory noose, as well as a smaller BBC, and this is the challenge for its incoming chief executive.

It's just a shame that this long-awaited announcement was not forthcoming.

Given how Sky has been so successful in influencing government policy in its favour in the past, I really hope that its former chief executive Tony Ball gets the job in order for this to happen.

Please don't act in haste Danny Dyer - after all, you know you can't act

Danny Dyer, the second hardest man in the UK, has told Zoo magazine that he is giving up his TV presenting career because he can't take the criticism of his presenting style.

The frontman of Bravo's terrible/excellent Britain's Deadliest Men... series added that he gets 'hurt' when people 'dig him' for who his is. What, you mean an inarticulate professional cockney idiot who is impressed by tall tales from ageing bouncers and is apparently scared of the dark?

But I'll miss Dyer and his unique presenting style - all those 'facking hells' and absurd lines - 'fighting and family first' - have made Deadliest Men one of the best programmes on TV at the moment. He intends to concentrate on securing film roles and I think we all wish him the best with that given that he reportedly not able to secure a role in EastEnders.

In the event that his Hollywood career does take off and he doesn't come back to TV with his tail between his legs, there is a vacancy that Bravo might need to fill. It's just a shame that that other laughable 'TV hardman', Tosh Lines from The Bill, isn't there to fill his place.

Something extraordinary happened during last night's Top Gear - I switched over to Five

And what's more the channel more or less held my attention for nearly an hour.

This might reflect more on how appalling Top Gear has become with its leaden scripts and false bonhomie as I couldn't even get to the end of the show - is the 'cool wall' really that entertaining? And what on earth was DDB thinking in getting involved in that excrutiatingly unfunny and seemingly endless 'make a VW ad' piece?

Instead I found myself so irritated by Richard Hammond that I found myself watching Britain's Nazi King, a pretty flimsy and cheap documentary on Five about Edward VIII, but with a strangely compelling and slightly misleading title.

It's a strategy that BBC Three uses all the time - make a cheap TV show and give it a screaming tabloid headline and hope that they will come. Much to my shame, it worked on me.

The old TV mantra used to be that content is king but in a world of diminished TV programme budgets, it seems that bunging any cheap old show that includes at least some of the words Monster, Fat, Freak, Pregnant or Nazi in its title is the new way of getting viewers.