I quite fancy Andy Murray

That's not right. He needs to lighten up. I think he ruined his chances of getting the British public behind him when he came out in favour of supporting any team other than England in the World Cup (the one that Scotland again failed to qualify for). Must have cost him millions.

I saw his mum once on Ready Steady Cook (don't ask) and she was as vehemently anti-English as him. Ainsley had to tell her off for being too nationalistic.

Yeah yeah, anti-English, yada yada.  I still would

Murray is a bit charmless, rather like Lewis Hamilton.

As for Steve Davis, he's a great bloke and a great British sportsman. He's mates with my old man and he's a lot livelier in person than on TV. I think the public feel more goodwill towards Davis than dour Murray and tax exile Hamilton.

I never used to fancy Lewis Hamilton but it's incredible how his attractiveness has increased proportionally to his wealth.

I have also heard that Steve Davis is a right raver off-cam and not, as portrayed, the most boring man alive

Yeah fair enough - I take it back. I'm prejudiced by Spitting Image. He really shouldn't be stooping as low as the PVC-U trade body though; they should have Eddie the Eagle or some other no-mark.

My dream day out is a trip to Andy Fordham's boozer - bet it would be a great laugh; he's a proper British sporting hero

I definitely don't fancy Andy Fordham

and darts are not a sport

Nonsense - watching darts is fantastic, especially enjoyable around the fug of Christmas. I don't know why brands don't use darts players as advocates - they are salt of the earth honest as the day is long people rather than overpaid Nancyboy footballers and venal tax exiles

The only brands Fordham could possibly publicise are Pukka Pies, Stella and Weight Watchers - as a 'before' photo in a 'how I lost 20 stone' success story.....

It was too many bottles of Becks what done for him, poor sod