I'm baking Alastair Campbell a cake

How upsetting to see Alastair Campbell get all blubby during a relatively soft interview by Andrew Marr on his BBC One show yesterday morning - I dread to think what sort of state he'd have been in if Kay Burley had been the interrogator after she reduced national treasure Peter Andre to jelly last week on Sky News.

I think it would be distasteful to join the debate on the crocodileness or otherwise of the tears of Our Beloved Leader, but I can't help feeling that it's strange that his behaviour on the forthcoming ITV1's Piers Morgan's Life Stories was so widely leaked. Still, the message is that he does have a heart.

Instead of fining broadcasters for minor transgressions, such as killing Australian vermin for TV entertainment, I think Ofcom's time would be better spent protecting the feelings of our politicians and public servants who have been - and still are - responsible for sending people to their deaths. This point was summed up beautifully in the cartoon on the front pages of today's Metro.

WPP will work hard for our money

Congratulations are indeed due to WPP Group for winning the colossal £250m centralised COI media buying account.

We can look forward to some exciting and innovative buying from its newly-created M4C division, which will service the account. It makes commercial sense to centralise the business and I can't wait to see how much money will be saved by the move.

WPP is, of course, good at saving money - in 2008 it relocated to Ireland for tax purposes - so which agency would be better to play its role in reminding us to fill in our self-assessment forms before January 31 or face a fine?

Who could also forget the awesome 'We work hard for your money' song sung by staff at WPP's MindShare division? Proof indeed.

On a seperate note, was Rafe from The Apprentice responsible for coming up with the names for the pitching consortia? While M4C is the least worst, Aegis' division was called 'Unify' while Starcom put forward something with the ludicrous name 'Smile'.

Perhaps this also played a part in the COI's decision.

Hell is other people's holiday snaps. And that includes Ben Fogle's

'Ben Fogle is a Presenter, Writer and Adventurer', the biography on his website grandly declares.

Is he? I thought he was just someone quite well-connected who appeared on a reality TV show over a decade ago and then managed to get a few lucky breaks on television.

I don't find him offensive - he's far too bland for that - but I don't really see the point in him. And I certainly don't see the point in watching a television programme about him going on an adventure holiday with his chum James Cracknell (who has at least achieved something in life).

Sadly the BBC doesn't agree with me - again - and has decided to film the pair walking across Australia (apparently they have already rowed across the Atlantic and trekked to the South Pole). I expect it will have the predictable 'triumph over adversity' theme but its not educational, inspirational or entertainment.

I don't really see the point of Charley Boorman either - nor do I want to watch a TV show about him on a motorbike holiday. Please stop commissioning them.

That said, BBC One's Seven Ages of Britain with David Dimbleby has all the things that Fogle and Boorman fail to provide so it's not all bad news.

Haitians need help and body bags not celebrities and sick bags

As if there isn't enough suffering in the world, Simon Cowell has today unleashed his cover of REM's Everybody Hurts.

Featuring a host of pop singers that have me reaching for the sick bag (and several that I have not heard of), the James Blunt/Leona Lewis/Westlife/Rod Stewart mash-up is raising money for the Disasters Emergencies Committee and ths Sun newspaper's Helping Haiti appeal.

Meanwhile in the States, another selection of horrors - Celine Dion, Barbara Streisand - have gathered to record a version of Michael Jackson's We Are the World for the same cause (and to show how compassionate they are).

Both will naturally receive air-play with the latter premiering on NBC on 12 February. I only wish I was there.

Giving money for the suffering in Haiti is of course a noble action. But in this age do you really need a piece of music, particularly one of these vile, offensive, self-serving, saccharine-coated singles, back in return?

Don't worry Murray

I wasn't one of the 6m people who watched Andy Murray crash out of the final of the Australian Open yesterday. It's not his anti-English sentiment that I don't like, it's also the fact that tennis doesn't interest me in the slightest (in honesty it's more of the former).

That said, Murray manages that rare feat of being even more annoying than the inappropriately-named, spoilt and personality-less 'Tiger' Tim Henman so deseves some credit for this. Plus there were obviously 900,000 other people outside Scotland who thought it might make good viewing and there must be a Swiss expat community here so I'm sure it was a worthwhile exercise.

Instead, I was sat eating a Swiss roll watching coverage of the Chandlers who, unlike me, were kidnapped by Somali pirates over-Christmas. The reports were distressing and I'm glad that their plight was not forgotten by TV (as it had certainly slipped my mind).

The rest of the media has picked up on the fact that this elderly pair and being kept in awful conditions. Hopefully this will spur the government to spend as much time and resource ensuring their safe release as it did in bringing Binyan Mohammed here.

Incidentally, the drama Mo on Channel 4 was one of the best thing's on the channel for some time. More of the same please David Abraham.

John Lennon and Susan Boyle - does history teach us nothing?

I was appalled to read that Susan Boyle returned to her West Lothian council house to discover an intruder in her house.

I wasn't quite as appalled as Boyle's brother who, in an interview in The Sun, drew parallels with the shooting of John Lennon by Mark Chapman outside his block of flats in New York. 'Susan is a massive world star. She needs better protection.'

Presumably he wants the re-deployment of an army regiment, complete with all available heavy-lift helicopters.

What really appalled me was that Boyle, who last year sold over 3m copies of her album in the US alone, is denying someone of a council house. Surely there is a salary limit on these things? Or is Simon Cowell not passing on any royalties? I think we should be told.

Right - that's week two over and I've already written about Danny Dyer and Susan Boyle. Nothing but predictable.

Archie, Adam and Allan too.

The most intriguing thing about the shock appointment of the Royal Mail's Adam Crozier to the long-vacant chief executive job at ITV is the role that Allan Leighton, the former chairman of Royal Mail, might have played in it.

Whilst Archie Norman, chairman of ITV, maintains that the search for the CEO was both global in outlook and thorough in process, it all seems a little bit strange given that Crozier was appointed at the Royal Mail by Leighton, while Leighton himself previously worked for Norman at Asda.

It also seems unlikely that such a trawl of the world's media talent could have been undertaken in just the three weeks that Norman has had his feet under the ITV boardroom table. Internal candidates John Cresswell, the chief operating officer who has been acting CEO since Michael Grade's departure and many thought would eventually just be given the job, and director of television Peter Fincham can be forgiven if they are left smarting.

As for the most nakedly ambitious of the internal candidates - managing director of brand and commercial Rupert Howell - quite how he and Crozier, a former advertising contemporary and sparring partner during his time running Saatchi & Saatchi, will rub along will make fascinating viewing. In fact, Fincham should consider commissioning a fly-on-the-wall documentary to record it for posterity.

So will we ever know what, if anything, was discussed around Leighton's dining room table in Amersham and is this a clear case of 'jobs for the boys' rather than finding the right man for the job? I can't wait to find out.

Who's to blame for the downfall of civilisation? The Taliban and ITV

Professional hand-wringer and intellectual giant the Prince of Wales seems to think that ITV's director of programming Peter Fincham is almost as bad as Mullah Mohammed Omar.

Lamenting the cancellation of the South Bank Show as a 'sad loss' for civilisation and accusing Fincham of consigning the arts on ITV to 'oblivion', Prince Charles (academic record - two A Levels, grade B and C) seems to compare its loss with the destruction of the 1500-year-old Buddhas of Bamyan by the Taliban.

It is undoubtedly a great shame that ITV has decided to cancel the show after 32 years, especially given how cheaply it cost to make, but Fincham seems to see its salvation in the form of cheap me-too reality and entertainment fodder.

It's also not entirely surprising given the way the channel has been dragged downmarket over the past ten years, and at least aesthetes such as Charles will be able to find late-night intellectual solace on Sky Arts or BBC Four.

Perhaps the real reason behind Charles' swipe (that's two A Levels in history and French) was that he's not forgiven Fincham for the sensational splicing of film of his mum that proved to be the ideal training for producing top-class formats such as Police, Camera, Action! and Police Stop.

My TV Burp Highlight of the Week

The real TV highlight of the week - Tony Blair's appearance before the Chilcot inquiry on Friday - is unlikely to make an appearance on ITV1's multiple BAFTA award winning Harry Hill's TV Burp, which returns this weekend.

It's good to see that the series back for its tenth series. With it and You've Been Framed, ITV1 has almost re-established its position as the home of Saturday early evening entertainment - one not seen since the halcyon days (for me at least) of Baywatch and Gladiators.

Watching choice excerpts of Blair squirming his way through the six hour interrogation would have provided some entertainment, although given the seriousness of the charges it's probably not appropriate.

Incidentally, Mars Bitesize has become the latest brand to sponsor TV Burp; in a neat bit of symmetry the brand is also sponsoring a new Ant & Dec show called Push The Button. Even Blair would surely have found the irony in that.

Debbie Dingle: the embodiment of Broken Britain

Emmerdale factory owner Nikhil Sharma has, in the words of the village's car mechanic Debbie Dingle, 'been done and bought a dud'.

His smart new run-around has turned out to be cut 'n' shut.

I only know this from an absurd press release sent in by vehicle information company HPI, which also includes this earnest quote from Nicola Johnson, its consumer services manager:

'Not only is a cut 'n' shut worthless but it is highly dangerous, especially if it is involved in a collision. Frighteningly Debbie Dingle and Nikhil plot to sell on the vehicle, illustrating how these cars can realistically come back on the road, when they should be scrapped for everyone's saftety.'

Frightening indeed if the best you can do to illustrate realism is draw inspiration from Emmerdale.

Johnson concludes: 'Our advice to Nikhil would be to scrap the vehicle and learn from the lesson.'

And my advice to HPI would be to lay off trying to crow-bar soap characters in your press releases if you want to get taken seriously.

David Abraham has many qualities. Many qualities has David Abraham

But modesty isn't one of them

In hiring the rather grand David Abraham as its new chief executive, Channel 4 has sent out two powerful messages.

Firstly, out goes Duncan's informal and relaxed style - along with his dubious middle-aged casual wardrobe - and in comes more of a stuffed shirt.

I should imagine that Abraham will also dispense with the open-plan office layout that meant that Duncan was sat on a bank of desks (albeit next to a meeting room where I should imagine he spent most of his time) in favour of a rather large office. I was granted an audience with Abrahams - a former advertising exec - during his time running Discovery Networks UK and he made even ITV's Rupert Howell look like he lacked awareness of his own importance.

But more crucially Abraham brings with him a history of running successful businesses and an understanding of television that perhaps his predecessor lacked. Most importantly he is a leader - and looks like one - and that is exactly what Channel 4 needs as it goes through a crucial transition stage rather than a split board and a lack of vision that perhaps marred Duncan's final months at the broadcaster.

Are you a Tory with time to kill?

Then Conservative Central Office wants you to 'beat bias' at the BBC.

I've often argued that the BBC is disproportionately stuffed full of pinkos (former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie famously described its remit as 'providing jobs for 30,000 left-wing turds').

But getting unemployed feckless bankers and paranoid housewives to spend their hours desperately trying to find evidence of anti-Cameron bias in such BBC treats as Lark Rise to Candleford, Bargain Hunt or Eggheads seems a little bit extreme.

Of course the BBC should - and is - scrutinised and its impartiality is often found lacking, particularly in news. But now that we are emerging from recession wouldn't the time be better spent looking for a job? Perhaps the fact that this is according to the BBC has put them off.

Incidentally some of the comments about the BBC on the Conservative's website - Conservative Home - are almost as terrifying as those who rush to support it on the Guardian's.

Danny Dyer Watch - Danny returns

Disappointing stuff. Only my third posting of 2010 and I've already broken one of my resolutions - not to mention the world's finest Cockney Thespian Danny Dyer.

Wounded by criticism of his seminal Britain's Deadliest Men series on Bravo, Dyer went into a brief Howard Hughes-type exile (although did manage to get involved in some unlikely story about his car getting nicked and it being found thanks to some anti-theft device). However, having brought to screen some of the toughest men in history Dyer is back with a BBC Three series I Believe in UFOs: Danny Dyer.

According to the accompanying PR guff, Dyer goes on a UFO quest 'spurred on by a meeting with his boyhood hero Sir Patrick Moore'. He also 'meets witnesses who claim to have seen UFOs and.... his search for his own encounter takes him all the way to the UFO Research Centre in Portland, Oregon'.

Nice work and I'm sure he'll deliver it in his own inimitable measured way. If only Mark Thompson had known of the show's existence before he was savaged by Baroness P.D. James for BBC Three's appallingly low standards.

It's broadcast on 26 January, 9pm. I'm so excited I might to do a live Twitter feed about it.

Billy Bragg is as pompous as Charles Moore

I quite like Billy Bragg. He's a bit like Dennis Skinner. He's what I want from a Socialist - chippy and principled - not like most of the members of the Labour party.

I don't really like Charles Moore, former Telegraph editor although he's also probably what you expect when you think of a Tory. Florid, fat, ex-public-school, braces - and self-important.

But the two have become united in deciding that the best way to protest about something is to withhold payment. Moore declared that he would stop paying his licence fee while Jonathan Ross was employed by the BBC. Predictably he got a lot of support from disgruntled licence-fee payers. While I doubt that the absence of Moore's £142.50 contributed to the decision that Ross would leave the Corporation, he claimed it was some sort of victory.

Personally I thought his actions were ridiculous given that there are millions of people much poorer than Moore (including me) who probably agreed with his opinions on Ross but continued to pay it because they were a) either broadly supportive of the BBC, albeit one that has substantially seen its powers cut; b) frightened of prosecution or c) like the Adam & Joe Show.

Bragg has now pulled a similar stunt by announcing that he is going to stop paying tax in protest at bankers' bonuses. I resent paying income tax too - especially given how much of it is wasted. But I don't like seeing dyed-in-the-wool Socialists pulling the sort of stunts that I'd only expect from former Telegraph editors.

I was kidnapped by Somalian pirates

Actually I wasn't but decided to opt for what the French do in August and take a month off. I've always admired the French - they have a certain.... I don't know what.

And now that we have just weeks before the next election, the media's posturing is in full swing. The Mirror has embarked on some ludicrous class war over 'Lord Snooty' and his pals while the Daily Mail apparently continues to try and find evidence of how Labour loves illegal asylum seekers, especially ones that have been involved in crimes.

And then we have the politicians. Last week Gordon Brown was 'wooing middle-class voters'; the week before his government said that it was focussed on supporting the white working class vote. At this rate, this week David Cameron and his Bullingdon chums might find it's their turn to be guaranteed succour from Brown.

Equally absurd has been the Conservatives warning that if Ofcom forces Sky to reduce the price it charges rivals to show its excellent Sky Sports channels, it will damage smaller sports clubs. While Sky does indeed deserve credit for revolutionising sports coverage and injecting millions of pounds into the industry, the Tories claims seem to be more about currying favour with Rupert Murdoch than sticking to the open market principles that they used to hold so dear.