Devil's Advocate

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Okay - so it's an old one... but it springs to mind every time I spot that peculiar brown Andrex variety loitering in Tesco. Now we all know that colours play a big part in communications (red outpulls yellow, which outpulls gold, which outpulls black... that kind of thing), added to which I have some form in the paper products business, albeit now a little dated. There was a time when I sat on a research budget that would make most marketers' eyes water (there's an image!). In those pre-Ikea halcyon days of lilac and avocado we knew what was taboo... in the loo. And there was one colour above all others that should not be allowed within a mile of the pack (and frankly it didn't take paid research to work this out). Maybe mores have changed - as tastes do - but somehow intuition feels more permanent, and I'm struggling to be convinced that brown is the new beige. Ring a bell? Dung.

Posted Jul 27 2009, 11:33 AM by Ian Moore with 2 comment(s)

All good things, and all that

Touring the British countryside, doing one’s bit to revitalise the economy, with permanently hungry kids in tow it ought to be easy to spend every last penny on homespun delights (rather than nip in to the local Lidl for some cave-aged Gruyere, a length of chorizo and a brace of baguettes for a roadside picnic). Not so easy, though. True, we’re all spoiled back at the world’s largest cookbook repository, but you’d think the odd week of pub grub would go down a treat, if only for a break from the chilli powder. And – after all – everywhere you go you see these signs, encouraging, quietly understated, promising expertise and handcrafted care in the making: ‘Good Food Served Here.’ Have you noticed? It’s never just ‘Food’. Always ‘Good Food’. And it’s shite. (I expect that last word will be censored, although I’ve used the five-letter Scottish declension to attempt to avoid the scissors. If there are three asterisks, read them as Not Very Nice.) Now, where was I….? Yes, the word ‘Good’ – surely meaning ‘Something worth having’ – has been hijacked by microwave-owning pretenders the length and breadth of the land. Hijacked and downgraded. Downgraded to insult the language – ‘good’ to the level of a platitude, ‘good food’ a cliché – and downgraded to insult the consumer, who is entitled to expect something from this surely contractual invitation to treat (or should that be 'eat'?). There’s been a lot of talk in political circles lately about the word ‘free’, but this ‘good’ business got me thinking – at least free either is or it isn’t, and you can make up your mind before you do the deal. Good old SP. Food for thought for the sign-writers, maybe?

Posted Jul 20 2009, 04:50 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

The price ain't right

Just back and recovering from the headspin that's the spiritual home of the Brit Trip (aka Alton Towers), and naturally the kids are clamouring for the photos. Well - I don't have any, do I? At the time I was approaching terminal velocity and certain in the knowledge that antigravity would have despatched my camera to join all those shoes, specs, earrings and false teeth that never make it round to disembark with their disoriented owners, the latter entirely distracted and delerious at having somehow survived the experience. Of course, after every ride, there is the opportunity to own, for a handsome sum, what appears to be the same shot marginally adjusted for the relevant fear factor. Indeed, I noted that each successive payload of customers, every ride, without fail, made a bee-line for the bank of photoscreens, hooted with laughter when they spotted their terrified mugshots, and promptly staggered off to get in the next hour-long queue.... without buying the photos. During the course of the day I reckon I personally witnessed hundreds if not thousands of photos NOT purchased. Now why is this? I couldn't help but think if this were Tesco the conversion rate would be a tad higher. I guess the clue is in the phrase above - 'handsome sum'. You can get a single photo for £7 and - if I recall correctly - two for a tenner and five for £25. Phew! Never mind that's on top of the entrance fee and transport and burgers and drinks... and that there's still a credit crunch on. Moreover, in the age of the 5-megapixel mobile phone and free file transfer, you have to wonder why anyone would imagine you can sell photos at these prices. So, shorely a missed opportunity - when it's plain for all to see just how popular are both the medium and the content. And if only you could get them sent straight to your mobile by texting in the code that's displayed on the screen.... if they can make me fly upside down at 100mph then such a simple bit of engineering can't be beyond the wit of man?

Posted Jul 07 2009, 08:00 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

The passing of the Thriller?

There are some heavyweight campaigns around at the moment, by my, oh my are they dull. As if us poor beleaguered Brits haven't had enough of being told we're broke and we can't go to Majorca, it looks like we're in for yet another summer of 'stay at home' sales promotions. Has nobody noticed that this theme has been well and truly thrashed to within an inch of its useful life? I thought the essence of a good offer is novelty - but 'great days out in the UK' - groanorama... it's a contradiction in terms at the best of times. (Why can't we have 'Win your MP's Expenses for a Year'?) And, to rub salt into the wounds of the ever more-time pressed consumer, there's the new model Dickensian workhouse sales promotion mechanic: save the packaging, get your computer online, log on, set up your account, create a password, collect more packaging, find the codes, log on, forget your password, enter your codes, see what you can't yet claim... yawn... sorry... if you've ever had the misfortune to be made to attend one of my lectures, and somehow have stayed awake, you'll know I say there's one small word that means more to the success of SP than any other: EASE. (Ask any salesman.) And you'll recognise that what I've just been describing ISN'T IT. So... not only have we got DULL... we've also got DIFFICULT. Just why are some of the country's top brands doing dull & difficult? (Take a look in-store at Andrex, Ribena, Shreddies, Walkers, Warburtons and others.) Is it time to mourn the passing of the entertainer, the passing of the salesman?

Posted Jun 28 2009, 03:15 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

Salesman Expertise

In B&Q yesterday I was struck - almost literally - by some questionable workmanship in action: a member of staff in the cafe was putting up hygiene and cooking certificates on the wall near the counter, 8 in all, two vertical rows of 4. I was standing right beside him as he huffed and puffed and sweated in the heat from the grills, and no doubt a little fazed by the audience that consisted of me, and his boss who was distractedly fixing my bacon cob. As one picture went up, another it seemed came down - crashing to earth and luckily not smashing to smithereens. Eventually, all 8 were balanced precariously on their hooks - at which point the guy stood back to admire his results. ***-eyed was the word (or is that two?) [I see on re-reading I've been censored!]. Not, I thought, the best ad for a DIY store. He turned to his manager: 'What should I do next?' The reply: 'There's some brackets to be put up in the store cupboard - the tools are in there.' His retort: 'I'll try - but those screwdrivers are useless.' Hmm - so I shan't buy any of those then. Of course, it was just a small unfortunate vignette of a bad ad, aired to me alone - but it did call to mind a study I once read entitled (and this is the abridged version) 'The effect of salesman expertise upon consumer purchasing behaviour.' The gist of this was that, in a controlled in-store test, when a salesman was perceived as competent in his field, 66% of customers purchased, compared to only 20% when the salesman pretended he was unfamiliar with product. There has to be a lesson here - just how much could B&Q sales increase if customers were able to witness lots of instore examples of good tradesmanship?

Posted Jun 18 2009, 10:52 AM by Ian Moore with no comments

Strike it rich

Arriving at Paddington earlier in the week, I was inconveniently assailed by hordes of samplers pressing cans of Natural Born Cola (or branding to that effect) upon me. I say inconveniently, because after a morning of planes, trains and automobiles (not necessarily in that order) one of the last things you need is something else to drink. Conveniences - of the public variety - yes. Twenty-four hours later, retracing my steps, I noted the sampling unit had gone - just when I fancied a cooling beverage as I hot-footed it for Heathrow. But it wasn't only me - en route to the great western terminus I'd marvelled at the Guinness-Book-of-Record-breaking attempts I'd witnessed to get six hundred people onto a double-decker bus... and another one... and another one (well, they do move in threes). And at bus stops... such crowds you'd think Beckham was signing autographs prior to the game. But where were the cola samplers when tired and thirsty London needed them? A little bit of tactical flexibility and - wow - what reach they would have achieved, what satisfaction they would have delivered to the capital's normally subterranean denziens flushed blinking into the daylight. And the bus companies...? I didn't hop aboard myself, preferring Shanks's, but did they take their chance to convert their serendipitous sampling opportunity into repeat purchase? Thanks for riding with us - take this voucher - come back again - travel free every Wednesday... I wonder???

Posted Jun 11 2009, 06:43 PM by Ian Moore with 2 comment(s)

What SP could do for voter turnout

As I slid my entry into the ballot box this morning I couldn’t prevent the image of the luxury holiday I might win from popping into my head. Oops – wrong campaign! But – wait a minute – isn’t this just the kind of thing we need to get Britain’s apathetic electorate into the polling booth? Be in it to win it! Mark your X in the box and – yes! – you could walk away with the latest Xbox! How simple is that? We could have weighted rewards in order to prise the most limpet-like segments of the population off their couches, sponsorship of prizes by political parties (true colours to the fore; SLPs for those who’ve overspent their budgets), and a money-back satisfaction guarantee for every vote cast (but not a promise, I suspect, for which promotional insurance would be available). Wishful thinking? Well, isn’t that what politics is all about?

Posted Jun 04 2009, 03:38 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

Stones and Glass Houses

So snowed under as we are (yes it's still winter in Edinburgh), so wan with care, I got press-ganged yesterday into writing (amateurishly) the Ts & Cs for a website and some eDMs I'm copy-directing. Now, it's a while since I had this dubious pleasure and I'd forgotten quite what rip-off experts are the general public (and a good part of the trade, to boot). These days I usually spend my time thinking about how to make offers work better... not worrying how to stop the massed ranks of Artful Dodgers from picking the pockets of well-intentioned and benevolent promoters. Naturally, I hear the odd horror story on the ISP Board - like 10,000 copies of the same numbered coupon being redeemed through one store - but I kind of shrug them off as maverick events. Then there's those who claim hyperbolically that half of all coupons are misredeemed, and surveys that say a good chunk of the population are quite happy to do it... and some retailers equally happy to oblige them. I understand that to use and accept a coupon without purchasing or selling the product in question is fraud, a criminal offence. The trouble is, it's been made so easy by the system, perhaps its anonymity... in fact, maybe it's the system that's to blame and the 'fraudsters' are just innocent victims of that system........................... sounds familiar; would you buy this argument?

Posted May 21 2009, 08:42 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

Shock horror - human life discovered at Westminster

I can't imagine many people in sales promotion will be surprised by the Telegraph's revelations and allegations of the past few days. For those who spend their working hours thinking about what motivates people, the phrase 'What's in it for me?' springs daily to mind. We know Homo sapiens is an incorrigible and rapacious (hunter) gatherer, and - as the Dawkinses tell us - proved ourselves faster to the draw when it came to cherry picking than our close but soon-to-be extinct cousins. (Otherwise we'd be walking about, monobrowed, looking like Homo erectus..... okay, so we can all think of some who still do.) Thus what else should one expect when a particular echelon of society is exposed to the metaphorical tree hanging heavy and low with ripe fruit? Remarkably, I've heard a few politicians expressing their shock and horror, yet you'd think anyone who spends their time asking for votes on the knocker would be unequivocally familiar with the question I just quoted: "Vote for you? What's in it for me, guv?" Maybe they're not getting out much.

Posted May 14 2009, 08:00 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

What DOES the C in CRM stand for?

If you read my post about a Nationwide cash machine in Scotland trying to flog me the chance to watch the England team train, like me you might also have wondered why they hadn't bothered first to check out whom I support. Chances were - it being Corstorphine High Street - I wasn't an England fan. The bank whose card I used - NatWest - I have been with since around the time of the Hand of God, so they've had ample opportunity to get the lowdown on my interests, and use this info to trigger a personalised message whenever I swing in for a sub. But do they do it? Not likely. What about Vodafone, then - I've had the same mobile number and business account for 19 years (perhaps a British Record?)... do they treat me like a familiar regular each time I call their Helpline? No. I might as well be a complete stranger. Or Sainsbury's... at my local store I've been using these Fast-track gismos since their introduction (10 years ago?) - which means the second I swipe my card they must know I'm back. They ken what I buy, what I like... surely they're ready for me with a basket of perfect offers? No. Nae. Never. Then Boots - only across the car park - and another loyalty card I've had for years. I've just been today, in fact, and they actually printed out some offers with my till receipt. Here they are: £5 off skin treatments, wrinkle decrease, facelift... what?! Oh, my! Never mind that we've reached a stage in technology where every single point of sale could recognise us by the chips we carry in our phones, even the more rudimentary mechanics I've described above are being eschewed - and by some of the UK's best companies, at that. Far from the C in CRM representing Customer (a person, you, me) ... the more graphic word that springs to mind when you think of Gerald Ratner seems far more accurate.

Posted May 06 2009, 02:37 PM by Ian Moore with 1 comment(s)

Seal the Deal

In my capacity as Devil's Advocate I'm not supposed to state the obvious but I must make an exception following the launch of the ISP's new 'Seal' initiative, aimed at culling from the promotional high seas that undesirable flotsam in the shape of the rip-off campaign. Backed initially by Coke and Kellogg it could hardly be in better hands, so let's hope the industry climbs aboard with this one to show the parasitic pirates in their true (unapproved) colours.

Posted Apr 28 2009, 03:49 PM by Ian Moore with 1 comment(s)

Nationwide Alert

Last time I looked Scotland was definitely not part of England. Indeed, living here (in Scotland), I'm reminded of that fact often several times daily by anyone to whom I happen inadvertently to mention 1966, or pass in the street while humming the tune to 'World Cup Willie'. Not unexpectedly, as I gaze out across Edinburgh's rooftops, it isn't a sea of St George's crosses celebrating today's anniversary. So it was with some surprise a couple of days ago that I approached a Nationwide cash-machine in very Scottish Corstorphine to see an on-screen sales promotion offering the chance to win a trip to watch England train. It appeared again later during my transaction. Nervously waiting for the money - in case I got chibbed by a couple of the local neds - it did cross my mind that this isn't the most advisable thing to be advertising on a Scottish High Street right now. Not only are England flying high in their quest for World Cup qualification and subsequent humiliation, but to add insult to injury the Nationwide just got made a present of the Dunfermline - a much-loved ancient institution that employs a lot of people up here, who await with trepidation their imminent fate. You'd think, what with computers these days, they'd avoid this sort of thing??

Posted Apr 23 2009, 01:42 PM by Ian Moore with 2 comment(s)

It asda be Sainsbury's

Firstly - I must just mention that, yes, in my last post 'A floor display' is an anagram of 'April Fool's Day'............... moving on, whilst away birdwatching for the Easter break in an almost uninhabited corner of North-West Scotland, in search of Stork or similar I spotted a 'brand' called 'What - Not Butter!' lurking in the cool-cabinet of a small independent store. This brought to mind the recent announcement by Asda that they were culling a load more lookalikes, soundalikes and me-toos from some 10 categories in grocery, having successfully done this in the past with no apparent ill effects to such as the yellow fats market. And here was a tiny store that stocked not only 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!', but also its aforementioned scarce and presumably migratory near-doppelganger! Good on 'em. I've always thought rationalisation is a dangerous game, safe and easy short term, but with unseen future consequences. When I worked at Cadbury, many moons ago, the accountants wanted to cull the marzipan unit (sweet) from Roses, as it was the most expensive unit and lots of people didn't like it. But I had research that showed that 17% of Roses buyers purchased Roses and not Quality Street BECAUSE OF the marzipan. They loved it! Of course, the accountants won in the end, although by then I'd moved on, so I can blame someone else for the mistake. Meantime, arriving home, the more organised half of our grown-up household had placed a whacking great bank-breaking online grocery shopping order within about 30 minutes of our return to civilisation. We mainly get deliveries from Waitrose, and occasionally Sainsbury's. I asked which, to discover it was the latter. Why? Answer: Because they stock Galliano and we need it for the cocktail cabinet! On small decisions, much bigger choices can hinge.

Posted Apr 13 2009, 01:54 PM by Ian Moore with 3 comment(s)

A FLOOR DISPLAY?

So Brussels have really done it. Now they’re proposing to ban all off-shelf promotions, unless – and here’s the rub – there’s also an A1-size poster, using large-point type for legibility, that highlights all the potential disadvantages of using the product in question. Apparently manufacturers will be required to list all categories of consumer complaints received within the past three years, and show an addressed Google Street View photograph of the homes of the Marketing Director and agency Account Director, should consumers wish to take up matters in person with them. You’d have to be suffering from some kind of temporary madness to think about an off-shelf feature under these circumstances. So – a floor display? Messed up before noon, I’d say (5,5,3).

Posted Apr 01 2009, 07:40 AM by Ian Moore with no comments

Consider yourself... at home

Since we took our littl'un to see Oliver on Tuesday night the tune I've just alluded to in the title has been going round (and round... and round...) inside my head, as it was whilst I was both involved in the final judging for the ISP Awards, and at the next day's Board Meeting. Soon I was mentally re-writing the lyrics - during the new-member recruitment part of the discussion - to come up with a ditty along the lines of 'Part of the ISP...' Of course, what most of us who are too deeply committed to the gang to easily see its flaws try to tell ourselves, is that everyone these days is involved in sales promotion, and therefore everybody should be joining the ISP... or else Bill Sykes will be round with his highly targeted guided missile of a dog, Bullseye, to get yer. I have no doubt that this view has much merit - there are major organisations out there who really should sign up, and who would benefit from the insider knowledge, collective training (I shan't say in pickpocketing passers-by) and legal protection that the 'organisation' affords. So, why don't they? Well - if I knew the simple, Eureka-type answer to this, I would have piped up 'Moore' at the Board Meeting. What I would say is that - while progress is certainly being made behind the scenes - the views of interested onlookers will be much appreciated.... answers on a postcard, please, to the ISP, where all entries will be fairly judged.

Posted Mar 26 2009, 09:10 PM by Ian Moore with no comments

Blogs

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

All good things, and all that

The price ain't right

The passing of the Thriller?

Salesman Expertise

Strike it rich

What SP could do for voter turnout

Stones and Glass Houses

Shock horror - human life discovered at Westminster

What DOES the C in CRM stand for?

Seal the Deal

Nationwide Alert

It asda be Sainsbury's

A FLOOR DISPLAY?

Consider yourself... at home

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