Mars promo a load of balls

Queueing to pay for a newspaper today, I used the professional excuse of an on-pack offer to grab a Mars bar. While the bulk of the contents of the wrapper didn't disappoint, the same couldn't be said of the promotional element. 

I could have instantly won one of 10,000 balls, but no - I hit the crossbar (their words, not mine) and apparently need to keep practising (eating more?).

Actually, it wasn't the losing that irked, but more the fact that I knew all along I was going to miss (or pay?) the penalty. Despite some limited insider info (that we chomp our way through millions of Mars bars every day), it still seemed plain to me that 10,000 balls, into half the UK population, doesn't equate to very much.  Actually, on the website it says they make 3 million a day... which, if the promotion lasts a month, means you'd need to eat 9000 Mars bars to get that ball... so I reckon my intuition was right... and I don't think most consumers would be too far behind me.

I'm all for promotions, and especially soccer ones like this (I'm involved in a club, myself, and the idea on the website that you can nominate your club to win balls is good - our supplies get booted all over Edinburgh at a rate that's hard to believe), but it's a great shame when offers are not properly funded, because they undermine the general credibility of promotions in the mind of the consumer.  This Mars campaign seems to me to be a game of 'instant lose' if ever I saw one... yet not from the company or brand I would expect.  Sure, plenty of firms try to run promos on a shoestring, and then wonder why they don't work, but I'd have guessed Mars were more clued-up than that.

Maybe a bit of an own-goal in the promotional stakes (so please don't let me be judging it in next year's awards!). 

You wonder what planet the Competition Commission is on

Just picture the millions that have been spent investigating the power and practices of the supermarkets (my guess is it's a big pile of dough) - only for the Competition Commission to regale us with conclusions like smaller shops are "not in terminal decline". (What?! Just how sick do they have do get?) Now, I've only seen the dark clouds of the headlines this morning, but they've done nothing to alter my feeling that what we really need in this country is a Common Sense Commission.

It's hard to imagine that anyone who's worked in the grocery industry doesn't know what's going on. So just who have the bods with the clipboards at the OFT (or wherever the Uncompetition Commission is based) been interviewing?  Did they actually speak with any National Account Managers, Product Managers... Shopkeepers even?

The only faintest hint of silver lining is the creation of a supermarket ombudsman, who'll accept confidential complaints. But will suppliers really dare to clipe on their customers? These big bullies treat their fags badly enough as it is... the thought of being caught speaking to the Head out of class doesn't bear... thinking of.

But we need this problem sorted like we need more Police on the beat. If you've been around for any length of time you'll know there are fewer shops, fewer brands, fewer ads and fewer promotions than there have ever been.  (Well, probably since the Sixties, anyway.) And I can't find anybody who's pleased about this. The supermarkets have a simple retort: things are cheaper than they have ever been.

I think it's more a case of 'the junk we buy' is cheaper than it's ever been.

However, maybe this rocketing oil price and Eastern industrial revolution, combined with worries about global warming, will be a blessing in disguise. If we all make fewer car journeys we'll all shop less at supermarkets. That could be the beginning of the job that the Uncompetition Commission won't do for us.

Buster Blood Vessel...

I'm always on the look out for interesting promotions - especially in the household cleaners aisle, where good old tags, stickers and collars still abound. And I'm always amazed by the scale of lost opportunities - why do firms take the trouble to attach a marketing message, then miss the main chance when it comes to selling? 

Today in JS I came across a nice little set of fluorescent neck- collars adorning a product range by the name of Buster. (Can't say I've noticed it before, so the collars did the trick in that regard.) Each collar tells you what the product does (eg. 'Beats Sink Stink!'), and inside advertises other members of the Buster family.  Now, call me old fashioned, but I do find it remarkable that, at this point, marketers want to take their customers off to some weird and wonderful website (in this case 'plugholesneedlovetoo.com') rather than just opting for the tried and tested old trusty, the coupon off next purchase.

Still, there it is.

I was further intrigued by the inclusion (instead) of what appeared to be an ad for cleaners (I mean the human kind): with a supplier name, freefone number, and url. On further investigation, it turns out to be a partner company - and I guess nothing wrong with that: each firm supporting the other's related offering.  Whether it's a bit of a leap of faith at this stage in the Buster-New Customer relationship, only they will know... but I wish they'd stick in that coupon, all the same.

By George... it's that day again

Interflora's timely reminder in my inbox that today is St George's Day spurred me into action... but what do I do next?

The question in my mind is further confused by the facts that I live in Scotland and am half Welsh... but England's my team and I really do wish I could mark the occasion in some way.

Therein lies the problem. On St Pat's you know you go to the pub. For St Valentine's you'd better have sorted those flowers well in advance. But St George's ??? Bring out my flag and parade it around Edinburgh? I don't think so. (That would make it St John's Ambulance Day... although actually it's St Andrew's AA up here.)

Given that Interflora were the kind folks that reminded me, you'd think they'd have a suggestion... but no... it's more of a promotional eDM for their 'MyReminder' service (a nice idea in its own right).  No bunches of snapdragons or red roses on which to click.  Seems a no-brainer for bulk sales of buttonholes.  But perhaps I'm being thick.

So - what should it be? Maybe a kind of Valentine's for your mates? Cards and virals with pics and videos of great English triumphs. Mooro and Johnno with their trophies aloft?  (A short film, I admit.) Beer vouchers seem a safer bet - and they'd certainly go down better here in RoS, English ale or not.

Still, commercial opportunities can usually be relied upon for the seeds of a good idea, so I'm sure Tesco will have this one blossoming and ready for harvest within the next few years.  I look forward to dressing up like that bloke in the top hat who waves out the team at Wembley. 

There's only one Grocer ad

On the bus today, reading The Grocer tucked inconspicuously inside a copy of Men's Health, I was reassured to note that there's still only one ad for this publication, no matter what the product.

The first six full-page ads I saw - all for major national brands - each and every one exhorted the reader to go forth and... well, here it is: J20 - 'Stock up now'. Kit-Kat - 'Stock up now (to maximise your sales).' Wilkinson Sword - 'Make sure you stock [them].' Kerrygold - 'Stock up now.' McCain - 'Stock them high.' Doritos - 'Stock up now.'

Actually, I don't know why The Grocer doesn't produce a template with a whacking-great 'Stock up now' headline and just leave a space for the packshot. Why trouble the creatives when you can publish an in-house sales presenter?

But then... I came across what I wondered might be a late April Fool. A dps for a logistics company. A curious moody image of a guy with a horse's hoof and loads of steam. Oodles of small-point, reversed-out body copy. (I ran a test: a fog index of 12 - pretty high, when the tabloids aim for 5 or 6.) Now, I know The Grocer's readership is a pretty broad church, but you can't help feel that somebody, somewhere, is missing the mark.

AQUA MY A***

I just tried this new (newish?) toothpaste that's in a shaving gel dispenser.  While trying to work out what was so good about it, I noticed that the main ingredient was listed as 'aqua'.  Surely, in this enlightened age of advertising transparency it's about time the toiletries business came clean?

If you've worked in the sector (or even if you haven't, but maybe went to the right school) you'll know that aqua is the Latin word for water. Quite why it's acceptable to speak to a British audience in an extinct language beats me - but it doesn't take a genius to work out that aqua sounds a damn sight more expensive than good old tap water.

Yet I can imagine the outcry if food manufacturers started doing this kind of thing. Sal for salt - for starters (it takes one less letter). Is it because we have to ingest the stuff? Not an argument that washes with me - my kids eat toothpaste by the tubeful, not to mention soap and shampoo. And what about all these creams and potions we slap on our skin - 'quickly absorbed, dry in seconds'? Seriously, when you read the list of chemicals that goes into some of these products - ergo (oops) our bodies - it makes you wonder why something isn't being done about this.

Still, when they've finished with Beijing and booze, it'll give the lobbyists something new to get their teeth into.  In the meantime, if we've got to have an ancient language on our packaging, I'd like to make the case for Welsh - as Prof Bryan Sykes has demonstrated, if anything is our mother tongue, that's it.  Cymru am byth. 

'Notice' - the clue's in the name

I was standing at the bus stop a few minutes earlier, wondering when they'd put the prices up (it being that 'council' time of year), when along came three buses.  I got on the first.  'Pound please,' I asked.  'It's one-ten.'  The driver wearily pointed to a massive red notice on the side of his compartment.

Of course, the moral of the story here is that, for your notice to get noticed, it needs to be in the right place.  We used to work with an airport organisation who thought it remarkable that scores of people would approach the information desk to ask where the information desk was.  There was a big sign overhead (and the second clue is in the words 'over' and 'head').

When I got on the bus, my sole focus was upon aiming my pound into the slot (and then grabbing my ticket from the dispenser before I was jerked down the aisle by the customary slip of the clutch).  For me to notice a notice, it needed to be where my eyes went.

I've written at length elsewhere about the millions wasted on instore tv, and my bus experience is yet another small example of the need for marketers to think consumer.  The consumer won't adopt your communication route just because you put it there.  

INSTANT WINDFALL FOR CHARITIES?

Reading that ITV is to donate the best part of its £8m unclaimed 'phone-in bonus' to charity (Mail on Sunday, Apr 6), got me thinking that this general idea is something charities could perhaps capitalise upon: the SP pond is awash with unclaimed prizes, premiums and loyalty points, just waiting for a good home.

In the 90s we linked up one of our clients with Barnados, and all unclaimed prizes from the on-pack instant-win component were directed towards this good cause.

When you consider that it's not unusual for a claim rate as low as 20% (and I've witnessed this TWICE for win-your-mortgage promotions down the years), there's a massive potential prize- pool to go at.

Of course, cynics might say the very reason brand managers opt for instant-win mechanics is the relatively low claim-rate. When you can state 'Win a £ million" in the pretty certain knowledge it'll cost you £200k, it's a temptation hard to resist for the cash-strapped marketer.

Still, if I were in the charity camp right now, I reckon I'd be sniffing around for opportunities.  When you think about it, there's a strong case for most campaigns to have a charity 'safety net' - if something goes wrong somewhere in the process, at least a good cause gets the benefit.  Maybe one for the Charities Aid Foundation?

Snow Business Avalanche

I came up with a great new wheeze last week whilst sitting chairlift-bound, mainly unadvertised to, and so have opened up an Alpine operation for prospective promoters. Overnight I'll have your message in giant letters all over Google Earth. 

Actually, this was going to be an April Fool's blog, but technical hitches prevented me from getting on line in time. The idea, however, surely merits some airing - bogus or not.

Last year I gave a lecture in Riga, Latvia, and during a break was intrigued whilst strolling about the icy city to notice that the great frozen Dagauva river had its snowy surface liberally embossed with yeti-sized messages, even the distant ones perfectly legible from each bridge.  This was largely a local lonely hearts column ("Erika, you are my sunshine" - that kind of thing), and indeed I was surprised to find nothing for Acme Snow Shoes, or fake holes in the ice as part of a guerilla campaign attacking competitive products ("Buy Hotfoot Snowsh.... arrghh!").

Last week in Val d'Isere, I was equally bemused by the scarcity of off-piste ads - even the normally message-plastered pylons had been scoured of slapped-on stickers. Maybe they've moved the chairs across a bit?

Then I spotted my only 'snow ad' of the week: actually a large stamped-out complaint which stated "Scotland Sucks." This went down variously well with our mixed party (me being half-English, the rest of the tribe barbarians), but it called to mind the Latvian labours I'd seen previously, and the enormous blank canvas provided by the ski slopes and their surrounds, oft wiped-clean by fresh overnight dumps. What an advertising opportunity! What targeting potential!

The chalet team turned out to be expert skiers and permanently broke to boot.  For the modest fee of a case of vodka they volunteered to get out early, so that by the time most skiers had sufficiently recovered from their hangovers to venture up the mountain, I could have had half of Espace Killy looking like an Alpine version of Times Square!

How long before someone really does this?