Hands Off Our BOGOFs

Further to my earlier scare story (3 March) I can now report that good old Blighty has shown the proverbial index and middle fingers to Brussels, and - for the time being at least - has saved the British BOGOF.

Phew!  Somewhere, in the midst of the impenetrable forest that's the Whitehall we all love to hate, a latter-day Robin Hood evidently plies their trade.  A force for freedom (make that FREEdom), a force for the re-distribution of the multiples' extraordinary profits, this brave soul and his (or her) merry band have told those irrational continental bureaucrats where to get off.  If we wanna say FREE, we'll say it.

So, while it appears that every other enforcement agency in Europe has danced to Big Bruss's tune, the BERR (the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform) and the OFT have voted with their size 12s and stayed put.  Promoters, at ease.  Buy one get one free, try me free, free with purchase... as British as pounds, shillings and pence and henceforth safe as houses.

Wasn't it Napoleon who noted we're a nation of shopkeepers? You think the observation would have sunk in over the years. Anyway, now they know... don't mess with our BOGOFs. 

Don't Shoot the Lineker

I note BR is leading today with the story that Walkers Crisps spearhead Gary Lineker may be in line for another dose of the 'Graham Taylor treatment' - maybe no surprise there, as he must by now be what Jimmy Hill was to my generation (Jimmy Who?) - but I hope it's not because sales are sliding... I can offer another theory altogether on that front, and shooting the messenger doesn't enter into it...

Having grown up in Lineker country (indeed, having played hopelessly against him at schoolboy level), by the age of 10 I could pick out a Walkers Crisp in a blind test at 50 yards (they were that good!).

When I became a sales rep covering Leicestershire (selling another category of product altogether), I was occasionally amused by local cash & carry buyers bemoaning the fact that they were being made to promote 'national' crisps brands like Smiths and Golden Wonder.  At the time, Walkers were distributed only regionally - mainly Central - but in Leicester they were all you could sell.

Of course, Pepsico took over and Walkers marched on to world domination (well, British).  This was obvious and completely natural to me - no other crisps were a patch on Walkers, so why be surprised they became such a dominant brand?

Then of course along came healthy eating, and a panic-stricken stampede by the entire grocery trade down low-fat avenue (and low salt street and low sugar lane and low cal crescent...).  Walkers' contribution to this great migration of ingredients, not so long ago and to great fanfare, was to relaunch with new Sunseed oil - 70% less saturated fat, no less.

70% less taste, no less.  I was gobsmacked.  And hurt!  Why didn't they ask me to be on their research panel?  I'd never have let this stuff get through in a million years.  I once ate 14 bags of Roast Chicken flavour for a bet and won easily.  Surely every cook in the land knows where the taste in food comes from?

Recent raids into the kids' lunchbags have suggested that Walkers have picked up this problem and are doing a bit to bring back the old taste... though they're not quite there yet.  I fully appreciate the size of the dilemma upon whose horns they sit, but maybe just maybe there's a niche-cum-canyon in the market for the old-style product and the majority of the population who don't happen to be obese?

Krazy Kopywriters at large

It all started the other morning when I spotted a banner above some ATMs as I whizzed past a branch of RBS on the way to the airport.  Spelled out in no uncertain terms, what surely must be the offer of the century so far: "FREE CASH MACHINES".  Unfortunately I was, as usual, late for my flight, so I never got chance to stop and see just how much free cash these machines would give me.  But the prospect - or rather the ambiguity of the copyline (had I been a Martian, or maybe an Eastern European) - put me on the alert for other examples of the eats, shoots and leaves variety. 

It wasn't long before I found my next one.  On the back of an airport trolley the headline: "Surprice, Surprice!"  Groan.  (The small print said something about flights to Germany for £19.)

Soon after, heading past the landside shops, I came across a poster announcing that haggis could now travel to most European destinations.  I wasn't quite sure if this was trying to sell me haggis or break the good news that quarantine is no longer obligatory for Scotland's much maligned wee beastie.

Touching down, and subsequently wandering around Paddington looking for a McDonalds, I spied a  48-sheet, sporting a pic of a 'mature' woman and the finger-nails-down-the-blackboard headline "Glam-ma".  Part of L'Oreal's campaign to put people off Mother's Day?

In the window of Hein Gericke (motorbikes), a large bill announcing: "RideXL, PayXS".  No thanks!  (Does anyone test their copy these days?)

Since returning home I've still been in outdoor observation mode, and have added a couple more curious bits of writing to my twitch-list.  Firstly, at a BMW dealership: "Less than you think to buy.  Less than you think to own."  What?  (Am I being thick here?)  And, secondly, one you've surely seen in your vicinity, for new houses: "The place that's going to be the place to be".  Aargh!!  I wanna bucket.

BLOGOF Brussels

Shiver me timbers.  Brussels are banning FREE.  Surely some mistake?

At the ISP Board last week we were given a sneak preview of the shape of things to come as regards the implementation of the Unfair Commercial Practices Directive in the UK.  I could have sworn I was jolted awake to the words 'So, we won't be able to use the word FREE any more in sales promotions.'  No - I thought - I must be dreaming, and carried on doing so.

But today - deja vu.  I receive an email from those in the know, telling me that - sooner rather than later - FREE will be a dirty word.  No more 'Free Gift with Purchase'.  No more 'Try Me Free'.  And - especially - no more BOGOFs!  (Hurrah to that one.)

Apparently the mechanics will still be perfectly legal.  It must just be that we British (or, rather English-speakers) are simply too honest when it comes to saying what we mean.  It's a pity the Eurocrats can't seem to apply this level of diligence to their secretarial allowances.

Ah well, it gives us copywriters a chance to earn our spurs.  I can't wait to see what forms of doublespeak we collectively settle upon now that Big Brother is watching so closely. As a starter for ten may I suggest 'Buy one, get one on expenses'?

Loo roll from Soffass? (Have I lost a month?)

It might be St David's Day, but half an hour ago in Sainsbury's they had me looking for the Candid Camera.  A loo-roll April fool? Please read on.

Having spent a good portion of my career connected in one way or another to the soft-tissue business, I can never resist a long loiter in the paper aisle.  New products are thin on the ground, and - truth be told - there hasn't been a single real innovation since KC introduced thru-drying in the early '80s.

So - my interest was raised to nose-bleed altitude when I spotted a couple of newcomers under the Regina brand.  (Now, there's a name to conjure with, for starters.)

The product that's made its way home is a 4-ply, no less - thick or what?  (I remember when 'we' could make 1-ply so well you didn't need anything more.  Ah, the good old days.)

Nevertheless, an interesting angle.  And it's embossed... and made from "100% virgin pulp".  Let's clean up the luxury end of the market, and screw the environment!

Actually - trees being a renewable resource (and young trees using more CO2 than mature trees) - virgin pulp is no bad thing if it keeps a forest cycling.

But I digress.  The first reason I picked up the product was because of a sales promotion.  'Free Inside - a Regina Impressions fragranced sachet, designed to add a gentle scent to your linen, drawers and cupboards'.

Sure enough, neatly inserted, a branded sachet about 80mm square and giving off a right royal whiff when you take it out of the poly.  I like this.  You might say there's a slightly uncomfortable connotation (scents and loo roll), but it's good to see someone running a simple and relevant instant offer.  It definitely adds that extra on-shelf dimension when you're asking for trial.  Good stuff.  (Although where can I buy more sachets if I like them?  Can I collect POPs and send them in?  Come on - you must have half a warehouse of them?)

It was only upon further inspection of the small print, vainly searching in this regard, that I came upon the revelation in my title above.  Made in Port Talbot (Wales), 'Regina is a Soffass brand'.  Now there's an awareness-opportunity missed!

Still - it's St David's Day - Cymru am byth.