I'll tell me Ma...

I'm endlessly intrigued by the sheeplike herding behaviour of the retailers.  Now that Mother's Day is almost upon us, here's a flock of bemused observations made from my uncomfortable perch on the fence.

A week staring goggle-eyed at the Mac has restricted me to monitoring the online selling community (whew, what a relief).  Every couple of hours someone has pinged me with an offer to 'Make Mum's Day' - be it Interflora (by several times the volume winner), John Lewis, Boots, Pressybox, Tumi, the RSPB and others... though surprisingly not Amazon (despite sending me several emails).

You might say books are not quite the right thing for a 'thanks Mum' kind of present - and you may be right - but compared to some of the suggestions I've received they'd be top of the list.

Pressybox - who really ought to be hot on an event like this - included in their eDM proposals such as a Spider Catcher, a Set of Scales, and (remember this one?... worry if you do) a Stylophone!

Meanwhile, not to be outdone in the Have-We-Really-Thought-This-Through? Department, among Boots' list of ideas were Nurofen, toothbrushes and - yes - Always sanitary towels.

Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with a box of Cadbury's Milk Tray?

Or (admitting I'm being a little ingenuous in my interpretation of the eDMs), why are the retailers becoming greedy (and unfocused) and trying to sell me a whole load of other, completely unrelated gear at the same time?

Given that eDMs are generally opt-in, I can't greatly object to the bombardment I've received - it meets a need and has helped to solve it.  But I think it's just beginning to take advantage of my goodwill when it starts asking for a bunch more of my time, and money.

There's also the issue I alluded to in my recent attempted massacre of Valentine's eDMs - what if the recipient doesn't have a Mum?  Or there's bad news, or family problems... or that kind of thing?  Okay - so it's opt-in, you've kind of invited it; the shops are full of Mother's Day stuff and they can't be expected to take account of individual circumstances...

... but that's just what eDMs are supposed to be all about, isn't it?  The brave new world of interactive personal communication.  But it's no use pretending you're someone's friend when you can't even be accurate about their closest relatives.  Only Interflora really dealt with this issue in an upfront and pro-active manner, their email clearly stating: 'At Interflora we understand that Mother's Day can be an emotional time for many people.  If you'd rather not receive any further Interflora Mother's Day communications please click the link below.'

A half-bouquet to Interflora. 

SELLING SCOTTISH (GAS) STYLE

It must be the indoctrination I received when I was trained many years ago as a Sales Rep, but I still can't help being flabbergasted by the failure of some organisations to close a sale that's right under their nose.  FlabberGAS.

We recently took out one of those maintenance contracts for your heating system (it being essential for life up here in the frozen north).  What happens is you spend (virtually) hours listening to bad music via the phone's speaker, and then eventually someone from the gas company wakes you up from whatever else you're doing.  They take your order and say they'll send round an inspection engineer.  Our first guy went away after 5 minutes, claiming he'd never seen anything like it before (which - if you'd experienced our builders - wouldn't come as a surprise).  Some weeks later - last week, after much more bad music - another chap came.  He seemed to know what he was doing.  So much so that he condemned our (brand new!) system and listed the major installation faults that must urgently be fixed or we'll be speeding across the sea to Fife (and not via the Forth Road Bridge).

Now - I know he wasn't a salesman, but...  I mean, Kwik-Fit fitters are not salesmen, but they sure know a potential close when they see one.

What did I want?  Did I want the guy to list the faults, report back to HQ, they cancel our contract, refund the last 2 months' payments... ???  (This is what happened.)

Or did I - just maybe - want them to say, "Here's what's wrong, here's an estimate, here's when we can do it."  It's not difficult to guess my mind here. 

SELLING ITALIAN STYLE

Just back from a bit of paparazzi-dodging in Milan (it was Fashion Week, and they were out mob-handed along the supermodel-strewn Via Monte Napoleone), and just have to report on a great little selling technique I inadvertently witnessed.

The missus and I were downing pints of Newcastle Brown Ale and munching on bangers-and-mash, people-watching from a glass-fronted cafe in the beautiful Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II (said to be the world's oldest shopping mall), when a nifty trick the staff were using caught my eye.

Since you could see through into the 'mall', you could also see whenever a passer-by came up to look at the menu that was displayed on a board.  Quick as a flash, a waiter would shoot outside, hand the person a menu-card, then just as quickly retreat indoors.  I'm sure the two menus were identical, but what this meant was that the 'prospect' now had to come back into the cafe to return the menu.  Neat.

Now, in fact, the three people that were collared by this technique while we observed all politely returned the menu and equally politely declined to stay, but it was clear that this was a tactic that had worked for the establishment in the long run: a nice variant of the salesperson's "assumed close" which uses a subtle physical method to help those "interested customers" who just need a bit of a nudge to say yes when it comes to agreeing to a buying decision.  Cool.  

Brickbats and Bouquets... it must be Valentine's Day

I reckon there'll be a blooming boom in Valentine's gifts this year.  Online retailers are growing green fingers and beginning to reap the rewards of diligent data husbandry. However, not everything in the garden is yet entirely rosy, as I've discovered in the past few days. 

No.1 - Interflora.  They got in first as far as I was concerned. We're staying away for Valentine's Day and I was thankful for their early-bird eDM offering me free delivery to anywhere in the UK, and a bunch of colourful (well, crimson-hued) ideas to save me straining my own brain.  So it was all sewn up with a few clicks by 8th February, avoiding that early-morning dash this Thursday (tomorrow) to the nearest florists (or forecourt).

They sent me a reassuring confirmation with all the delivery and message details... but curiously followed that the next day with a new eDM entitled "Don't leave it until the last minute..." ... but I haven't, have I?  After some reflection, I decided to ignore this on the grounds that they've obviously not got all their computers joined up. However, two days later... another one: "With just 3 days left to Valentine's Day, don't miss out on free delivery!" Hold on a minute, now I'm beginning to worry that they've lost my original order... or could it be they think I'm going to send a separate secret spray to someone else?  (Shouldn't they check whether I'm married with 5 kids or not?)  Then, today, Feb 13th... aargh!... yet another one: "Order before 10pm tonight... blah blah".  Don't get me wrong, I'm impressed by the late deadline - it would match my normal standard of planning-ahead for this kind of thing - but now I'm seriously discombobulated as regards the chances of anything turning up here tomorrow.  Watch this space.

Meanwhile, other retailers - who didn't get in first - have also been sending me their eDMS.

No.2 - Figleaves.  I've been a customer for a while, and have placed quite a few orders in the past year.  Now, here's an interesting one... and quite a dilemma for Figleaves (once you begin to think about it)... when it comes to a romantic occasion, what do you make of your customer's previous purchasing behaviour?... and what offer do you send them?

If they've mainly bought men's underwear (and perhaps slightly risque gear, at that) do you send them an offer for male or female garments?  Is this a person who likes to dress 'nicely' for his female or male partner?

What about if he's bought men's underwear, and some sexy ladies' garments?  Does that mean you should try him with a Valentine's offer "for her"?

I have to report that I got the "3 for 2 on all men's underwear" offer.  Now I can confirm that I do actually have the wife and 5 kids (so what? you might say)... so I am nevertheless a bit miffed about this one.  Tricky dilemma for Figleaves... but they got it wrong in my case.

No.3 - John Lewis.  A nice eDM from one of everybody's favourite companies, proposing flowers (order by 3pm on the 12th) and a range of gifts, chocs and undies (order by 3pm on the 13th), but unfortunately they missed the boat - by the time I got the offer on the 11th, Interflora had hit me baby three more times.

[Post-script: Interflora delivered on the day, albeit mid-afternoon... giving me further heebie-geebies and almost driving me into the arms of the in-house florist, whom I discovered will save me all the worry if we're here again this time in 2009!]

Online coupons not quite there yet

I know I bore senseless by constantly repeating my theory that 'ease' is the single biggest factor in successful sales promotion, but daily i watch marketers erect unnecessary barriers for their consumers.  Today I bore senseless about online coupons.

If anything ought to be the easiest thing in the world, then printing off a coupon from a website could be it.  Should be it. When you consider British Airways have it cracked, with their boarding passes, you'd think the fmcg coupon business would have had this one nailed down some time ago.

I came across a mention of a Tate & Lyle coupon, so I typed in the link for their website and - after some searching - tracked down the bit about online coupons.  It turns out you have to leave the site via a link, and re-emerge on a page of coupons.  Then you can either select the lot, or just those you check.  Next you click print... but - no it wants to install a bunch of 'bar-code' software on your computer.  Okay - I accept - but my Mac starts squealing about dodgy applications.  I override it.  Now I have to agree to a load of terms and conditions.  Next the machine wants my password.  (Where did I put that?).  Some time later I manage to click install and it comes down.  Job done... but, no - I might have the software, but it's closed down my browser.  Re-open Safari.  Back to Tate & Lyle.  Find the coupon bit again.  Click the link.  Get through to the page of coupons.  Select the ones I want.  Click print.  It tells me it's printing... but I haven't told it where to print - it never gave me the option, so it's trying to send the signal by wifi to my default printer... which is 3 miles away in my studio at home.  I give up.  No ease.  There you go Natalie.