Campaign

Can someone tell me why 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?

There's a bloody surprise

“I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes...”  Philip Dusenberry

Thanks Robert, Haiku! At last, a brief. Your previous 3 word brief wasn't a brief at all - 'must try harder' - that's a conference report.

I Bought a Pet Banana

I bought a pet banana

and I tried to teach him tricks,

but he wasn't any good at

catching balls or fetching sticks.

He could never catch a Frisbee,

and he wouldn't sit or speak,

though we practiced every afternoon

and evening for a week.

He refused to shake or wave or crawl

or beg or take a bow,

and I tried, but couldn't make him bark

or get him to meow.

He was terrible at playing dead.

He couldn't jump a rope.

When he wouldn't do a single trick

I simply gave up hope.

Though I liked my pet banana,

I returned him with regret.

Boy, I sure do hope this watermelon

makes a better pet.

Robert, when the £1000 cheque clears, I intend to become a better man... Melonman. What do you think? BM.

Robert, I'd have to say your assessment of the original responses are pretty much on the money. It's clear that most of the postees would give you £1000 or more, if you gave them a job. So, like a sound thinking business person, you are doing the right thing, develop a reputation for offering money to journalists who say nice things. :)

Bananaman. Melonman is better. Keep at it my friend. Fruit is good.

Nice things? No. Funny things! There's a difference. R.

flickr.com/.../233126517

I'm not Robert's mother. (Unless it means I get the £1000 quid for my gas/sherry bill, in which case I am Robert's mother and I want to put him to bed early with a blanky and a bocky.) xxx

What's the difference between a scavenging sewer rat and an advertising person trying to win this £1000?

How hard can it be to be interesting, amusing, useful, useless and outrageous, all at the same time?

Hang on a minute.

Before I get carried away with my own misplaced over-confidence I should really shop around.

People richer, more successful and better looking than me have told me that time is money.

And even though it seems easy, it might take a bit of time.

Maybe there’s an easier AND quicker way?

Google’s telling me that around 133,000 other pages are offering the chance to “win £1000”.

Some of those have got to be quick too?

£1000 to spend at Topshop? Free to enter... easy!

The Guardian wants to give me £1000 to save or invest. I just need to find my local FSA… easy!

£1000 cash from PG Tips and Lipton? Just answer a simple no brainer! Oh hang on; I’m not a Caterer or Hotelkeeper. Damn.

China Daily is offering 1000 Yuan for the best wedding invite wording… I’m not married, but I can give that a shot! Hold up… £90.18? Hmmmm, I need more than that for my lavish christmas holiday plans.

Now wait a god damn minute… this one is easy, quick AND fun… Ryanair is offering 1000 euros for the wackiest, most creative suggestion for additional discretionary charges on its flights! Someone went with ‘charge for access to safety cards’ (seriously). I can get wackier than that! How about £10 for a go on the wheel? £20 for a takeoff and landing berth? www.ryanair.com/.../news.php

Seriously, the competing prize offerers are are endless.

So, I’ve entered at Topshop, The Guardian, PG Tips (they’ll never know) and Ryanair. Wasn't sure about ChinaDaily.

Surely one of those will come off.

And luckily the search, entry and typing only took me four and a half hours.

The richer, more successful and better looking people must kicking themselves.

As I'm sure many of you are aware, Campbell Lace Beta have decided to stop pitching for new business

Hello.

We couldn't think of what to say. So we enlisted the help of some strange animated creatures.

Here is our comment (you'll need sound):

http://bit.ly/4zYg0y

Hope you like it.

Love L & N x

Bribery gets you everywhere.

Will write for money.

The One and Only Campbell Lace Beta,

Hitting Harder than a Quidditch Beater,

Deliver Faster than a Post Grad Cheetah,

And even Hotter than a Dragon's Heater.

F**king typical! A woman throws in one bloody sentence, and the rest of you just wet your knickers.

The sickening truth is that women hold all the cards in this century. The emergence of the Metrosexual is proof, if any was needed, that man has finally shot his load and the only way he’s getting it back is in a “snowball”.

It’s all part of their plan of course. They’ve been scheming for decades, mopping up every last drop of masculinity. I can’t turn on the tap without a backsplash of oestrogen reminding me that I’m nothing more than their subservient man-bitch. As our livestock stand riddled with track marks from hormone injections, even raising a piece of beef to my beautifully moisturised lips leaves me with the knowledge that my sperm count has nosedived yet further into a sea of misandry.

At least Stalin had the decency to try and keep his purges secret. Nowadays these high-heeled fascists actually have the front to appear on prime time television flaunting their new brand of genocide.

Nowhere though, does this iron fist impose more control than in the gulag of London’s advertising industry. It’s now surely an accepted fact that men have to work at least 10 times harder than women to gain any recognition in the workplace. You need only witness the terrified lust in the creatives’ eyes each time an accounts girl walks through the department to see this sad and depressing fact in action.

In the face of such bronzed legs, heaving bosoms and some small modicum of talent, what hope do we have of ever upending this crippling imbalance?

I fear I already know the answer to that question and so I tip my hat to the likes of Claire, Lolly and Nat.

Good show ladies, the better sex won.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Epsom to throw myself in front of the Queen’s race horse.

What's the difference between a scavenging sewer rat and an advertising person trying to win this £1000?

There are just some things a scavenging sewer rat will not do.

congratulations Basil, you've had an epiphany.

i'm overjoyed to see that even the most ignorant of men,

can come to the realisation that women (not girls or lovelies), are in fact superior in every way.

even Steve H,,, oops i mean Antoine D G, secretly wishes he was Tiger Savage.

so lets see more in London creative departments, and not all under 36 please.

also - not just big ***, bronzed legs and high heels. i designed lots of different models - i thought Audrey Hepburn turned out rather well.

tho Garry and Robert, giving the 1000 to Claire B, could come across as a bit of a bribe, which.... (just getting my glasses) ...yes, i've got it down as a sin.

not only that, you had such support, everyman admired your guts and entrepreneurial spirit, then you turned into 'just another couple of ad men', getting into bed with the people 'who count' the ones, you hope, can further your ambitions.

i'm so very disappointed.

i wouldn't take your 1000 now even if you begged,

please redeem yourselves by giving it to Nat and Lolly.

Dear Mr and Mrs Campbell Lace Beta

I’m typing these words because I feel the need t’

have money to spend under the pub outdoor heater

and save me from nights in with Norris and Rita.

I’m paid to create but my role is a ju-

nior and my pay packet leaves a bit to

be desired, I only fancy a few

lagers instead of rich teas and a brew.

I can hold my head high as I open the door

of the Marquis of Granby or the Duke of York.

And instead of my wallet’s dread as she pours,

I can do as my peers do and say, “Cheers love, and yours”.

Right, I know the drill, I know what you want,

Robert Campbell, you’re awesome! Gary Lace you’re the Don!

Lol and Nat may have won it, a conclusion forgone.

But if you fund my round buying, I’ll buy you two gents one.

Ok, I’m nearly done now, this is nearly all,

I’ve stated my case without the need to appall,

unlike a certain Claire Beale I recall,

who was topping the list with dogs, tongues and balls.

You see, London life costs me much more than the north,

the Fosters three fifty, the Stella is four.

I‘d steal it if I wasn’t afraid of the law,

the fact it’s expensive does not reassure.

A few years in adland, I’ve seen where it’ll get ya,

Soho House is the hangout, the preferred cheese is feta,

I’d advise you it’s wise to reply to my letter

and make CampbellLaceBeta much CampbellLaceBetter.

Selling-out to Claire Beale is going to cost you money.

Is it poetry or is it rap,

is it bribery that yields such crap,

Claire's one liner came top of class

Dog licks balls beats kiss Robert's arse

Apparently, Robert and Garry nabbed a certain person's table for lunch this week and he wasn't best pleased. This is what he had to say (and in the spirit of your competition is doubling up as my entry to try and grab that grand.)

www.youtube.com/watch

Matt