Recently Brand Republic reported another pitch that never really was. Well, 3 pitches apparently. Innocent Drinks seduced various agencies into showing them their knickers no fewer than 3 times, only to reject them all and revert to doing it for themselves. Cheaper and more satisfying, I guess.

Last year Soho was spluttering into its Pinot Grigio about the now infamous and hugely complex British Gas direct marketing pitch featuring 7 of DM’s finest. Before that, wasn’t there an airline seeing 13 agencies about a massive er… project?

I mean, don’t you just love it when you’re told you haven’t won a pitch because, for instance, you’re too small? But, oh wise client, you knew exactly how big we were well before the pitch. Why wait till we’ve spent so much time, money and given you all these ideas? Oh, I get it now.

Enough is enough. What I’d do is get the AAR to set clients a pitching test, just like the driving test. If they pass, they get a license that allows them to hold a pitch.

And like the driving equivalent, they’d get points on their license for pitching without due care and attention. 3pts for getting more than 4 agencies to pitch; 3pts for giving insufficient time (less than, say, 3 weeks); 3pts for a stupid pitch list (agencies so different it’s clear they have no idea what they want); 3pts for not being allowed to meet the decision maker; 6pts for canning the whole process once everyone has pitched.

Once a Marketing Director reaches 12 points they’d be banned from running a pitch for 2 years. Break those conditions and it’s 12 months in Customer Service.