Bus shelter politics

My local bus shelter is currently sporting the latest campaign from the Scottish Government. Perhaps weary of telling the good citizens of Edinburgh that they need to regularly wash their hands, eat five portions of fruit and vegetables every day, stop smoking, drink less, walk to school, have a flu jab, embrace our multi-cultural society and sleep in a bed (OK, I made this last one up), the folks who run the country have trained their sights on murkier stuff.Above a picture of a police car with flashing blue lights there’s a stern warning for the old ladies, commuters and kids standing at the bus stop – THIS IS THE CAR YOU’LL END UP KERB CRAWLING IN.

And there’s a strapline too just in case you didn’t get the message – Kerb crawling. It’s criminal.

While I concede that the Government needs to find some way of communicating new legislation to the wider community, and potential offenders in particular, is my bus shelter the place to do it?

Two minutes of Googling reveals the scale of the problem in Scotland. The new law, which criminalises kerb crawling, came into force towards the end of last year. In the first 12 weeks of enforcement (when presumably the police threw extra resources at the problem in order to show they mean business) 40 men were charged in all of Scotland.

That’s just over three a week. Now, far be it from me to trivialise the social damage done by street prostitution. That’s not the issue here. The issue is the wanton waste of public money (money that perhaps could have addressed the problem more effectively) on advertising campaigns that are doomed to failure from the start. Mass media isn’t appropriate for niche interests and there’s no need to tell kerb crawlers that their leisure pursuits are both socially unacceptable and illegal - they already know.

Stupid advertising. It’s criminal.

Britain’s most wanted

While skimming through the sports stories in my online Scotsman on Friday morning (which, incidentally, I now generally read instead of actually buying a paper) I couldn’t help notice a flashing square box telling me that I was ‘more likely to BELIEVE an ad because it’s running in local media’.Ignoring the obvious anomaly that I was actually viewing this ad in a global medium, I clicked through to themostwantedads.co.uk, a rather tacky little mini site appended to newspapersoc.org.uk (the The Newspaper Society – ‘The Voice of Britain’s local media’).

Once I got there, I discovered loads of fascinating stuff that they’ve found out thanks to a ‘six figure research project’. I say fascinating with my professional interest hat on here. I can’t even begin to imagine why they’re trying to entice ordinary punters from the sports pages to follow the link, but I digress. A quick rummage around reveals some interesting stuff lurking amongst a graphical holocaust of a website which even includes little banner ads that take you back to the page you’re already on.

Local media, they say, allows me to reach ‘over 80% of the UK population across all life stages, lifestyles and income levels’. While I can’t imagine any situation when I’d actually want to do this, I have to temper my excitement with the news that in order to achieve this I need to advertise in over 1,300 local newspapers, more than 1,100 local newspaper websites, 750+ magazines, 36 radio stations and 2 TV stations.

Uh, OK, this is sounding promising…

They’ve got some stats, too. More than half of the 5000 people who responded to their survey said that they would prefer it if there were no ads on TV and 37% longed for ad-free radio (let’s not mention that to the guys at their 2 TV and 36 radio stations). Yet only 14% would like an ad-free local press. Having said that, 17% of their readership claims to be ‘actively avoiding’ the ads but that’s considered good news compared to the 47% who are actively avoiding the ads on television.

Then it all goes seriously downhill. One of the downloadable ads that they’ve put on the site plays havoc with the stats. Citing the belief of ‘industry pundits’ that ‘the days when you turned to advertising for information are long gone’ they suggest that this widely held view amongst such ‘silly, whining attention-seekers’ is only 80% right. The 20% of ad-spend in local media is thoroughly justified, they claim, because ‘ads in the regional press are up to twice as relevant and twice as useful’. Reassuring stuff, don’t you think?

Waiting for Godin

Two things happened in the last week or so that got me thinking. First, one of my former colleagues quietly opened his new agency, Hush Communications, and then I received my copy of Seth Godin’s latest book Meatball Sundae, which I'd pre-ordered at Amazon and I was eagerly awaiting.I like Seth. I like Seth a lot. Seth is a man who always seems to make sense for me. Seth is so sensible and so straightforward that his views often seem radical.

For example, he is a great believer that marketing (in its broadest sense) is what any business is all about. His view (which I share) is simple. ‘Marketing doesn’t support the organisation. The organisation supports marketing.’

That’s how it should be, right? The loudest voice in product development, customer services, human resources, corporate affairs, IT, management, the boardroom or any other department in your business should be that of someone who has a profound sense of how every decision affects the relationship between the business and its customers. If the marketers come in at the end of the decision making process in the vain hope that a sprinkle of fairy dust will turn product development’s frog into a handsome prince then we’ll all be cursed with a life of eternal frustration and failure.

Which brings me back to my chum and his new agency. They’ve just opened the door. Right now, they can be anything they want to be. So what’s appropriate for the new world of marketing? How can they best make an impact on the businesses they’ll advise and should they be spending as much time with the chief executive and the folks in IT as they do with the marketing department? I’d like to think so, but I reckon it’s unlikely.

Lazy blogger

No matter how many excuses I have tried to sell myself over the last few months about my lack of posts on Brand Republic, the truth is I'm just a lazy blogger.

Sure, I've been busy. Trying to raise money for a start up venture in the current market is hideously time consuming. Trying to keep the wolf from the door at the same time doesn't half put paid to a chunk of the day. And that's without even considering the social whirl ...

But being a good blogger - well that takes time and effort and something worthwhile to say. Which, I guess, makes good blogs worth reading and, ultimately, makes them influential in the great scheme of things too. 

So, I'll resolve to try a bit harder this year ... starting tomorrow, maybe.  

Birds of a feather

Somehow from the dire selection of last night’s TV schedule we ended up watching a programme called ‘How to look 10 years younger’.
For those who actually have lives and were doing better things, it’s one of these reality shows where a fashion expert irons out the wrinkles for some old fuddy duddy. Then by the magic of surgery, cosmetic dentistry, professional hairdressing and makeup and a clothes budget like they’ve never had in their lives, the prematurely aged wrinkly is transformed into a desireable godess that her husband of 30 years can barely recognise.

As if that wasn’t fascinating enough, I was struck by the ad breaks. One after the other, the well-targeted ads hammered home their messages to their perfectly identified viewer. Though I was doing the family ironing myself, it was clear that it wasn’t me that they were talking to – oh no, they knew exactly the profile of the women that they wanted as customers and every ad spoke loud and clear: buy this, try that, get these and you’ll look more beautiful, eat this and you’ll be healthier, this will take away your problems, get these for your children, that for your husband’s tea. Cars, makeup, food, chocolate, nappies, hair colour, pet food, even tasteless soluble fibre, the messages were relentless – each one demanding attention of the precise individual most likely to be watching this particular show.

How could anyone take it all in? How could you leave the ad break feeling anything other than completely bewildered? When everyone’s shouting at once, is anyone really listening?

After the sensory assualt of the ad break, the brainless fairytale tranformation of witch to princess must be a welcome relief to the women all over the land who are sitting on their couches sipping tasteless soluble fibre and hoping that their prince turns up long before the crows’ feet really set in. Hope there’s some footie on the telly tonight.

Who gives a monkey's?

A quick glance at YouTube confirms that the kids are going nuts for Cadbury's new TV spot. But what on earth does it have to do with chocolate?

The answer, of course, is nothing. It doesn't have to. It's just a case of creating an arresting image and hoping that the advertiser will pick up some recognition by association.

They've even managed to get away with a dodgy old Phil Collins track - which I initially thought would put it firmly in the uncool camp but, no, the YouTube links have started trickling into my inbox already. 

And my kids LOVE it. And they're willing to argue that it's a great ad.

But for me, a gorilla on the drums just doesn't fit with Cadbury's Dairy Milk. Maybe I'm wrong, of course, but I can't see the kids who so adore the ad rushing off to buy any more Dairy Milk than they already do. And that's the point of advertising, isn't it?

Some days I feel so old fashioned.  

Mad about the boy

Like many thousands of enthusiasts all over the world, I was in the queue at midnight on Friday for the latest edition of the Harry Potter series. I haven't queued that late at night since Bruce Springsteen came to Edinburgh in the 80s. So what's so magical about Harry?

The proverbial visitor from outer space would have been somewhat bemused to see the long lines of chattering youngsters stretching through the shopping mall where we set up camp on Friday night. 

And when the countdown to midnight began only to be greeted by a big hysterical cheer I had to suppress the innate temptation to crack open a bottle of Champagne, shake everyone's hand and wish them a Happy New Year. 

So what's the magical ingredient in the Harry Potter success story? For me, it has to be Word of Mouth. Everyone who loved it was so enthused that they told everyone else that they possibly could and their enthusiasm expanded Harry's universe at a spectacular rate.

And once everyone had heard about it, almost everyone wanted to be involved. 

Though nothing in publishing will ever be quite like Harry Potter again, the same principles can be replicated time and time again in marketing. All you need is a remarkable story and an enthusiastic bunch of highly motivated customers. Just find that and the magic will take care of itself.

It's a long hard blog

Where does the time go? I've been so busy over the past month that I've neglected my blogging duties. And that got me thinking. Maintaining a consistently active and interesting presence on the internet takes time, determination and dedication if you're in any kind of smart business then you really have to take these types of bloggers very seriously.

It's a point that's eloquently examined time and time again in Citizen Marketers by Ben McConnell and Jackie Huba. They investigate the whole notion of people as the message and how persistent bloggers can have a major impact (positive or negative) on the customers of all kinds of business. 

And the conclusion that we'll all have to face up to at some point in our marketing campaigns is that there's an amazing resource out there that you can use positively in your campaigns but only if you've got a really good story to tell, you treat your customers with absolute respect and you're willing to concede that much of your campaign will be beyond your control. 

That may be a step too far for those who are more comfortable in one-way media but it's a lot more likely to work.  

"These guys are great ..."

Every now and then you come across a company that just makes you think 'these guys are great' and I want to tell everyone about it. Why can't all companies be like that?

Earlier on today, I needed to take a look at holiday car hire. So I Googled, like you do, to get started and picked www.carjet.co.uk from the three sponsored links my search threw up. I thoroughly expected that I'd then spend the next few days trawling through me-too car hire companies trying to find a deal. But no, the Carjet folks were great. 

Though I had a couple of minor usability issues with their site initially, they carried me along with a refreshing copy style that was easy-reading, straightforward and honest. 

They had an excellent choice of cars and great prices. Unlike a lot of their rivals there don't appear to be any hidden extras either - just a great deal.

They also won me over by recognising where I'm at in the process. They acknowledge that I'll probably look elsewhere and they've emailed me the quote (and held it on their site) for future reference.

But to be honest, they've done such a good job, I don't think I'll bother looking elsewhere - and isn't that a good thing?

So, assuming they can actually deliver me a nice motor when I get off the plane, I'm going to tell everyone how good they are, starting with everyone who reads my blog and everyone who talks to me about holiday car hire.

The best thing of all though is that earning word of mouth recommendations (the best form of marketing there is) like this is easy. All you have to do is try your best to be brilliant at what you do. If you achieve it, your happy customers will soon become your sales force.   

Dear Mr Name

It's nothing personal, but I have to have one final departing pop at VirginMedia.

And the words 'nothing personal' really sum up VirginMedia's approach to customer service. 

Having finally managed to get them to agree to send me a final bill, I received a letter yesterday. It started: 'We're sorry to hear you've decided to leave us. We hope you weren't unhappy with our service.'

Very polite, I'm sure but weren't they listening during those blood boiling phone calls? Didn't they read my complaint letter?

Well, yes, the person who pressed the button probably did but they just didn't have a template that started off: Dear Mr Munro, we're sorry we made a complete mess of things for you and we apologise for the hideous delay in sending you a final bill for £28.51...

If they had (or they'd empowered their diddies to write their own letters) I wouldn't have told you all this and you wouldn't be as unlikely to do business with them as I will be in the future.  

Quel fromage

Last night during Britain's Got Talent (yes, we watched the lot, en famille) there was an ad for feta cheese. What's that all about? Feta cheese with its own TV spot?

So I started ranting about how it was pointless to try to promote one brand of feta cheeses because all feta cheese is pretty much the same, right?

Seemingly not, and my kids were quick to point out that I'd rather missed the whole point of this cheesy proposition.

"Duh, dad, it's already cut into cubes."

How very clever. A feta with it's own USP. They've removed the need for a knife and made it famous by sticking it on TV. That'll get it right up to the top of the cheesy charts, eh?

Now what was it called again?

Specially for me

Yesterday, I got a postcard from Domino's. They had a special offer just for me. So special, in fact, that they specifically asked me not to tell everyone about it.

So special that they sent it with a second class stamp and addressed it to MUNRO/or PIZZA LOVER. 

That's pretty special, eh?

Hello, goodbye

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll be aware that I’ve been having a few problems with VirginMedia. My lastest brush with Branson’s media bunch suggests that the business is in even more of a pickle than I thought.
To cut a long story short, I’ve been trying to leave as I have now signed up with Sky. I had a phone call earlier in the week from their people and through a combination of speaking very slowly and using short words, I managed to get the girl in the call centre to agree to send me out a final bill and properly disconnect the service. She told me I’d get my bill within 7 to 10 days.

So what did I get this morning? A welcome pack!

Dated 7th June and promising an installation on 6th June it thanked me for coming on board and gave me ‘a few details to help get you off to the smoothest start’. Give me strength.

Could they make this more difficult? Does anyone at VirginMedia know what’s going on? They’re spending lots of money on a recruitment campaign – TV, outdoor, direct mail, online, press – but clearly they’re neglecting fundamental aspects of service delivery. That’s never very clever.

Mind you, maybe their customer retention strategy is simply to not let customers leave. Perhaps it’s a sort of multimedia prison. Maybe if I cry and stamp my feet I’ll get out after three days but alas, I suspect this tale has a few twists in it yet.

Pop idles crave pointless fame

Now that Big Brother is back on our screens, we can re-open the debate about the vacuous form of celebrity that is so popular these days.  

Oh I know it's 'car crash' TV but I find myself drawn to it and while I'm awe-struck with horror at the ludicrous fluffy-headed protagonists and their tantrums over whether there will be enough gas in the hair straighteners to keep them looking vaguely like Victoria Beckham, I'm equally titillated by the opportunity to gawp voyeuristically at their hideously exposed egos. 

But it's the whole fame thing that gets me. Startled Shabnam confessed to Big Bro that after all her efforts during a tough first 5 days she was really ready to go. But, before she did she thought she better check to see if she would 'still get all the deals and stuff ...'

It seems that fame has become something with merit in its own right. If you asked one of these wannabes what they wanted to be famous for, it's more likely they'd respond with a comment about the money and the attention and all the parties than tell you they wanted to be famous for having actually achieved something.

This year's BB seems to have taken the pursuit of shallow celebrity to dizzy new heights. While the old bird sits on the couch with a disgusted look on her face that pretty much sums up the feelings of everyone over 30 in the TV audience, the harem of pouting little madams desperately dream about how famous they'll be when they get back outside.

Fame, clearly, is the commodity they desire more than anything else. Mind you, can you blame them when the currency of celebrity stretches as far as it does these days?

When average talents become global megastars with squillions in the bank, what's going to stop unemployed lap dancers from imagining that they'll be the next IT girl? 

Personally, fame doesn't do much for me though I'll confess I did buy four tins of Dettori's chickpeas and kidney beans at the weekend - each one with a grinning picture of the great Frankie on the side. In my defence, it was a two for one offer, however and a good old BOGOF is more likely to motivate me than any celebrity endorsement.

Maybe I should enquire about a BOGOF from Big Brother and ask him to send over the twins ... 

Virgin on the ridiculous

How hard can it be to cancel a cable TV and phone service? If the provider is VirginMedia, be prepared for maximum frustration.

On Friday, I experienced the daftest ever use of technology in customer servicing.

My phone rang and I answered to find an automaton on the other end of the line. In her best robot voice, like a gender reassigned Stephen Hawking, my mechanical friend says, 'This call is for Mister A-lan mUn-ro. Please press one to confirm that you are Mister A-lan mUn-ro.'

So, I pressed one and regretted it immediately. The next stage of automated scripting informed me in stilted robospeak that I was to be switched to an operator who would deal with the problem on my account.

And then they switched me to MUSIC ON HOLD.

Hey, robo-op, you called me! How come I end up on hold? Two minutes of bland MoR later, I'm in some sub-continental call centre and a dude from Delhi or somewhere equally far away appears to be babbling something about Uranus.

No, no, it's not Uranus. Hang on, slow down tiger, give me that again: "I'm calling to give you awareness that your account has balance overdue."

Hmm. This is a tricky one. How do I explain that I have been trying to leave VirginMedia for two months and despite numerous telephone conversations and a stinker of a letter, they appear completely incapable of sending me a final bill?

Slowly and very deliberately, I spell it out and the message appears to get through. Allegedly, there was even a note on the system about my dispute.

So how come they called me?

My advice to VirginMedia: spend a little less money on those awful Ruby Wax TV ads and a wee bit more on your customer service. And next time you call me, don't put me on hold because I won't be there when the next operator comes free.